I’m never happier to not have small children than when I hear a disney on ice commercial
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Blocking anyone who tries to motivate me.
Me grinning like a jackass with my luggage labelled “ wayward son” and waiting for them to ask checked bag or carry-on
Million dollar idea: App that mutes all crying babies, barking dogs, and car horns in movies.
My daughter plays recorder now and practices every single day, so yes, I believe in karma. I’m not even sure what I did, but I believe in it.
[on a date]
him: I hope you’re a Game of Thrones fan.
me: *stabs him with a sword then sleeps with his brother*
Oh panic attacks,I thought you said pancake attacks because I have those all the time.
Me: [in kitchen] today we’re going to replace my wife’s coffee with a live badger, let’s see if she notices
Wife: [from other room] hey you better not be in there replacing my coffee with a live badger
ME: *being attacked by a werewolf*
ALL OF TWITTER: We don’t deserve dogs.
Me: I know something we can do tonight 😉
My husband: You superglued your eye shut again and I need to drive you to the ER
Me: yeah ;(
[hot air balloon ride]
DAD: *kicks basket* how many miles you get in this thing?
Why do people knock on a locked public restroom door? And what is the person inside to say? “who is it?”
me: you can’t take all that candy to school
son: then what do I do with it?
me: you leave it here
son: with you?
I don’t see any clouds today so where is your data really stored?
I farted in the Apple Store on Black Friday and everyone got angry at me…
It’s not my fault they don’t have Windows.*I’ll show myself out*
I swear, one more minor inconvenience and I’m running away to join the circus.
I like to split up my kid’s orange so he can refuse to eat half at lunch and refuse to eat the other half at snack
Customer: Do you guys have wings?
Me, working in a food truck: just the wheels.
the mother-in-law left yesterday.
this month has been the longest two years of my life.
Ariel: I wanna be where the people are!
Me: idiot
Stop blaming politicians and start blaming the fortune tellers. They knew, and they did nothing.
Him: We’re going to the river, I should bring my wallet
Me: No just leave it here, wtf do you need it for?
His friend: She doesn’t want you to be found with any identifiers
My wife just suggested that we change into something more comfortable, so you know what that means.
Spaghetti night. It’s spaghetti night.
Me: OMG I love this song
Radio: should I play it again
Me: okay
Radio: fifteen times
Me: wait
Radio: every hour
Me: no
Radio: for the next six months
Ruin a perfectly nice trip out with your child by bringing your child.
I wish I could feed people I don’t like to my cat.
The only thing that’s not possible is staying away from you…
-stalker’s
I’m just a girl adding $132 worth of merchandise to my cart so I don’t have to pay the $10 shipping charge.
Really? Still no Kate? Has anyone even tried yelling Marco?
“It puts the lotion on its skin…”
— me buttering a baked potato
Happy #InternationalWomensDay to my wife. I’m no expert, but I think she may have overwatered her plant today.