Me: I don’t think this is going to work
Wife: I know, I’ve been feeling like that for a long time. We’ll be so much happier with other people
M: I was talking about switching the toilet paper so it rolls under
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Teach one orca how to play Battleship and look what happens.
Every one of my trophies might as well say “Best Trophy Thief.”
my favorite part about fruit is when I run it under water for 3 seconds to convince myself it’s no longer covered in carcinogenic pesticides
“The Sun is dying. We need help” the scientists are speechless. Cool Dad kicks in the door & removes his shades “It’s daylight savings time”
“Stalker” has such a negative connotation. I prefer to think of myself as a classy international spy that happened to take a very personal interest in your case.
I just referred to tongs as ‘food tweezers’ in case you want to be in awe of my command of the English language.
“and that’s why you should always put your stuff away” I lecture my kid as we search for the missing candy I ate while she was sleeping
Let’s get married and have kids, so we can have mini versions of ourselves do that annoying thing that our spouse does but louder.
Eating chocolate pudding from a diaper is a good way to get a whole row to yourself at the cinema.
“What should we call this thing in the ocean that is land?”
How about island?
“Seems too obvious”
What if we pronounced it weird
“Perfect”
My 4yo just asked me if I was there when we went to Disney 6 weeks ago for 5 days, so I’m obviously making a huge impact in her life.
My neighbor has had 3 peletons delivered. This is a cult, right?
THE POPE: i always get roof and ceiling mixed up lol
MICHELANGELO: what
Me: *wearing white shirt*
Every food in the universe: GET HIM!
I’m doing the vacuuming..
It doesn’t need doing but it’s a legitimate way of annoying the kids
PSA: 60% of deaths happen in hospitals which is why I don’t go there
just saw Netflix went up to $19.99/month and all I gotta say is for the person who’s been letting me use theirs for the past few years…please stay strong 🙏
*walks into bank dragging one of those giant checks behind me*
*everyone claps & cheers*
*hands check over to teller*
Check is for $1.00
Come on Canada, first Celine, then Nickelback, NOW Bieber!? Are you TRYING to provoke a war?
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector, and fire is real.
Delivery!
Mail!
Dog!
Bunny!
A leaf fell!
Wind!
Nothing!
Nothing again!-My dog’s daily announcements
me: i just quit cold turkey
turkey: *outside in the snow banging on window* please baby i can change
Cashier: this coupon expired last week
Me: so did this yogurt
I think Twitter is affecting my eyesight. I’m having difficulty seeing the laundry pile up
You got your ducks in a row. I got my monkeys in a wheelbarrow. We are not the same.
Tell me again how I unloaded the dishwasher too loudly when you were watching golf. Detectives will want to know exactly how this went down.
I was getting mad in traffic earlier and my 3-year-old said “all you can do is calm down and let the cars go” and now I have a therapist.
Harsh but fair
I’m not saying that I’m clueless. But I just realized that the guy that told me 8 years ago “I don’t like your pants, you should take them off *wink* ” was flirting with me.
Netflix: *30 seconds into an Adam Sandler comedy* Are you still watching?