Whenever my car won’t start I open the hood so I can have a good look at all the things I don’t understand.
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Someone taught my daughter how to craft 3D snowflakes and now she’s made so many that the inside of my home looks like it was in the path of an avalanche.
Feeling sorry for cannibals who are social distancing.
No handshakes…
just cold shoulders.
If you didn’t bring enough cough syrup for everyone, maybe don’t drink it in front of us, Gary.
My wife just caught me naked FaceTiming someone so can one of you pretend to be a TeleMed urologist?
No, thanks. Five hours of energy sounds terrifying.
Stop folding your fitted sheets. Roll them up into a ball like the rest of us.
I’m so lazy that I’ll break my tooth trying to get this tag off before I get up and get a scissor.
DEMON POSSESSING ME: Don’t try and fight. You can’t win.
ME: No problemo.
DEMON: But… I’m controlling your body.
ME: Awesome-possum, thank you so much. I’mma grab a quick snooze, and you just wake me when you need a break.
“How old are you? Wow, that’s really weird. That seems too young to be a bitch”
[mcdonalds]
me: two marijuanas please
employee: this is the mcdonald’s drive thru
me: two McMarijuanas please
Today I took a sip from my new water bottle that I’ve been drinking out of for a week and it tasted like… chunky so I looked inside and there was a pretty hefty size instructional manual sitting at the bottom that I guess came with the bottle and that I’ve been slowly ingesting
Mob Lawyer: This should be a easy non guilty verdict for you, Boss. All the prosecution’s witnesses are our guys. They know to lie while testifying.
Mob Boss: Who do they got?
Mob Lawyer: Let’s see. George Washington, Pinocchio, and Shakira’s hips.
Both: Oh shit.
I did nothing wrong—I tried to do nothing and did it wrong.
I answer with an automatic “Yes” each time my mom says “Oh, have I told you…?” I could miss out on something good but chances are slim.
You when you started twitter vs. you now.
There is a mosquito that has been trailing me for two days. I’ve swatted and clapped but it has proven to be the stronger of us both. It’s time to give in to my place on the food chain
Boyfriend: I love you more than I love cake
Me: aww you must really love cake
Ex-boyfriend: eh it’s alright I guess
“Oh, look! She’s drinking vodka, let’s kill her!” – Spiral staircases
Your mother has terrible taste in children.
me: I’m stuck in my home with unlimited free time
my bookshelf: you can finally read all the books you’ve been meaning to read
me: absolutely not
I bought a treadmill because I ran out of closet space for my clothes.
You know I’m something of a chef myself
*Salesman smashes through window into living room* Evening, folks. Are you in the market for a new window?
My uterus really needs a new lining every month? Seems ungrateful. What’s wrong with the lining I got you last month. It was brand new
Pet Store Manager: What qualifies you to work here?
Applicant: I’m kind of sweet yet sad & a bit creepy for some reason
PSM: You’re hired!
this is my brain when people are trying to explain card game rules to me:
If I pick up two cinder blocks and walk into the cold, cold Atlantic while we are talking please don’t take it personally
The calories in food given to you by someone else don’t count, right?
Some say the glass is half empty. Some say it’s half full. I ask “Are you going to finish that?”.
“Let me slip into something more comfortable”, I say with a wink then come back in twice as much clothing as before