1) See laptop on empty table in crowded coffee shop. 2) Ask someone to watch it for you. 3) Leave before the owner returns.
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(Gamblers Anonymous meeting)
Leader: Bob, tell us why you’re here.
Me: $20 it’s a Blackjack addiction.
Group: *all rushing to place bets*
My son had a side hustle of selling King’s Hawaiian slider sandwiches to his dorm mates. And you know kids these days and cash. We were seeing these $3 Venmos going in the account around midnight many weeknights. I had to finally just ask him and then I offered to partner up.
ME: I’m going to start a blog.
FRIEND: Ugh. Blogs are so narcissistic. I just talked about that on my podcast.
Crinkle cut fries. Ribbed for your pleasure.
My ex once told me that she still had feelings for me but then clarified that they were all negative ones
There’s a tornado warning and we’re about to hop into our blow up pool. If you see us fly by, please don’t hesitate to say hello.
Kylo Ren was more powerful with his helmet on. With it off, he had to use a majority of his power to maintain his hair’s body and bounce.
Interviewer: Have any personal mantras?
Me: Absolutely! [thinks to self…banana to mouth not mouth to banana] Make friends with change✨
Ever noticed how you used to be embarrassed by things you did or that happen to you, but now your first thought is “I can tweet that”
Angel: how long should dogs live?
God: how about 12 yearsAngel: horses?
God: 20Angel: cats?
God: 15Angel: sea turtles?
God: ONE HUNDRED FIFTYAngel: oh no it’s happening again
God: haha, hey ask me about fliesAngel *rubs temples*: …fine
God: like 12 minutes lol
SECURITY GUARD: “Sir, I have to check all backpacks”
ME: “ok”
*opens backpack*
*its full of hundreds of tiny backpacks*
Feels like there should be a middle ground
Whenever I take my kids to the zoo I think this is exactly where they belong.
Me: I can’t sleep
My cat: lol what if I walked all over you right now
When I was younger I was into athletics. I miss the guys from the 4x400m relay team. We ran in the same circles.
[Therapy]
Me: What do you mean “boundary issues?”
Therapist (gently pushing me off his lap): Why don’t you put some clothes on & we’ll talk?
Why didn’t they just call Thanksgiving ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas’?
Two ladybugs landed on me so I gay-married them, and now we’re being picketed by Westboro Baptist praying mantises.
Several of my internal organs hurt, but I’m 100% sure it’s not my body trying to tell me something.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who found out you used her face towel as a hand towel
Filming myself playing the violin like it’s a cello to catfish the giant community
Sometimes I’ll watch the way my chest hair sways back and forth before a fan on medium and think this must be exactly what Jane Eyre saw looking out over the moors or something
I’m sorry that I’m canceling plans.
I made them last week when I assumed that, by now, I’d be a different person.
Comic 🥺👉👈💗❤️🔥
Just because they call the 20yr high school reunion Prom 2.0 doesn’t mean you should wear your prom dress. I know this now.
I’m like American Cheese.
Krafty and oh so single.
Also terrible for you.
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy. She was a girl. Can I make it any more obvious?
Me: Yes you could. That is incredibly vague.
You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and suddenly you’re accused of being a kleptomaniac
Podiatrists don’t use metric.
They only deal with feet.