yeah I’m a CEO
Constantly
Eating
Oreos
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“This is The Grey Wall of China”
I think it’s ‘great’
“We all do, pal”
*snaps wife’s nighttime eye mask*
You up?
My friends asked me to go camping so I made of a list of the things I will need: 1. new friends
My husband got his hand stuck in the dishwasher.
So of course I had to fire her.
A lazy eye is just like a regular eye except it won’t take out the garbage, leaves up its Christmas lights all year and will text someone in the same room.
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
As the king’s food taster, I essentially have one job: clutching my throat and dropping dead when the soup is poisoned.
[sees a woman eating pizza on the hiking trail]
Me: hi I think we were separated at birth
Hey, boy. Are you a Swiss army knife?
Because you’re a smaller, less effective version of everything I need.
A cannibal passes a Girl Scout cookie stand. “How many girl scouts are these cookies made of?” he asks with a large smile on his face.
Nevada be like, omg I think I like him… so how many days should I wait before I call him? Is it 3 days? Cause I think it’s 3 days.
I have keys on my keychain from the houses I used to live in just in case I’m hungry and in the area.
this is what they would have looked like, though
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
Stop saying “you can’t make this stuff up“. You can make anything up. Watch this: a breakdancing beaver wearing a top hat. A peanut butter and thumbtack sandwich. A baby doing calculus. It’s easy.
Daughter singing: In your hand… In your hand.
Me: Zombie? It’s in your HEAD.
D: No! The car keys you’ve been looking for the last 10 mins.
You don’t scare me, you’re not my trimmer with the bent teeth that someone dropped
Me: This escape room is really hard.
Guard: I said lights out!
Netflix says not to watch Ted Bundy alone so do any nice, strange men wanna come over and watch with me to make sure I don’t get too scared?
If there is an opportunity for me to put my pants on backwards in the dark, I take it every time. Apparently.
Critical people b like: I’m not critical, I can just see faults better.
Inventor of the table: I wish the floor was closer but like not all of it
Even though it says it right there in the show’s title, I’m always disappointed when Unsolved Mysteries aren’t neatly wrapped up by the end of the ep.
ME, TO MY BEER: Let’s get to the bottom of this.
Told my sister I had to buy rice krispy treats cause I’m snack mom for my daughter’s game and she said why don’t you just make them and I said I’m sorry you have the wrong number and hung up on her.
Welcome to your fifties. Now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder. 😵💫
someone tried to scam my grandpa by pretending to be me saying “hey grandpa, it’s your grandson, i’m stranded in europe and i need you to wire me $5,000” and my grandpa was just like “…robert would never be in europe”
Kids: *misbehaving in public*
Me: Keep it up and I’ll get my breakdancing cardboard out of the trunk.
Not me, making rice krispy treats at midnight because my teen forgot to tell me she needed them tomorrow.
A co-worker is retiring, so they’re passing a card around filled with cash. I only took $10 but normally my signature is worth much more.