Not all clowns are creepy. Many are just honest, hard-working operatives of Satan.
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I often find myself singing in the shower, which can be extremely frightening. Is he a clone!? What is this place! SOMEBODY HELP ME.
[ In bed, trying to find a cold spot ]
Ahhhh, there it is…
Wife: Get off of me!!
taking lessons in close up magic so when my kids are teenagers I can “impress” all their friends
Love how Gatorade “flavors” are like “icy charge” and “Cascade crash” and “Arctic blitz” instead of things that would even remotely indicate what you’re about to taste
A shocking amount of parenthood is knowing which kid you’ll need to keep out of jail.
“Spirits, are you there?”
[ouija board] IF YOU LIKE IT THEN YOU SHOULDA PUT A RING ON IT
“Damn it, we’ve held a séaoncé again!”
[during sex]
Him: are you on your phone?
Me: it’s called live tweeting maybe you’ve heard of it
“what qualifications do u have to work as a zookeeper?”
*slides resume across desk*
“I think this speaks for itself”“sir…that’s a parrot”
*seats stuffed animals around the table for a team meeting*
Everyone, I think I’ve been working from home for too long.
“Are you listening to understand or to be right?”
~ sometimes pretending to listen results in unexpected mutiple choice questions
[about to have sex]
me: fasten your seatbelt
her: oooh you’re good huh
me: no this is a race car bed
Me after watching a horror movie! 🤣🤣
I’ll take ‘Liars’ for $500, Alex
“Sorry that’s not-”
Who is Karen?
“Sir-”
‘Cheaters’ for $1000
“Again that’s-”
*lips on mic* Who is Karen?
I have a plan. I bring him home ,but don’t sleep with him.
Long story short he pays for the taxi.
[first date]
ME:
HIM:
*20 minutes later*
ME: how about we text each other
HIM: *already typing*
Me: Close your eyes. Give me your hand, darling. Can you feel my heart beating? Do you unders…
Dr:(removes stethoscope) Really? Everytime?
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Is it because I’m obsessed with Greek mythology?
Her: It’s because of your stupid nicknames for things.
Me, pouring a glass of water: Would you care for Poseidon’s milk?
[Driving by a massive pile up]
SON: Look at all the different colours of cars in the crash.
ME: It’s a collidascope.
SON:
WIFE: It’s too early in the day to hate you this much.
New notice I stuck up in town this morning. Are you this person?
Me: Magic 8-Ball, will I ever find true love?
Cantaloupe: Maybe if you lay off the drugs.
trying a new Pudding recipe:
– Milk
– Eggs
– Proof
– Butter
*walks into a restaurant*
Waiter: Sir, I have Stewed Liver, Boiled Tongue & Frog’s Legs.
Me: Enough bout your problems. Get the Menu Card
Leia: *gasps* Chewbacca, you’re naked!
Chewbacca: *hastily puts back on his bandoleer*
[watching action movie]
*hero stealthily snaps guard’s neck*
me: damn, I bet that felt really good
Friend: Let’s get together! What’s your calendar look like next week?
Me: Same picture of a dog on it till next month
“Good choices” – guy at the liquor store
This is what makes twitter great
Husband: Did you eat the leftovers?
Me: No.
H: Who did then?
Me: Ninjas.
H: (sigh) There are no ninjas.
Me: They’re very good ninjas.
Me: I was watching Sixth Sense when my house got burgled
Cop: Ok tell me everything that happened
[10 mins later]
Cop: holy shit he was dead the whole time?!
if three separate women were faking covid test results in order not to date me, i would simply not tell that fact to the new york times