I use my teethbrush then go play feetball and commit arms robbery. Just giving you a head up.
– people with the right amount of body parts
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Funeral Request:
Spread my ashes on a windy day so I get in everybody’s eyes and mouth lol I don’t even like you guys
I’m feeling a little too good about myself today, I guess I’ll call my mother.
My doctor asked me how much I weigh like anyone keeps track of that. Idk, Mark. Like 7 tires? 16 squirrels? Is that what you want to hear Mark? 87 ducks!?
been searching for the right mix of relaxing sounds to help me sleep and i tried nature noises but they ended up freaking me out like one of them had so many frogs. one frog is ok but this was too many frogs. like an army of frogs. who can sleep when there is a war on the bayou
I print everything at work because I’m not a multimillionaire who has a printer with ink at home
every raccoon you see is currently on parole
Did you guys know that protons have mass?
I didn’t even know they were Catholic…
Son: But I’m not hungry!
Me: I heated that pop tart for 22 seconds! You’re gonna eat!
The remote does not go next to the TV. That’s the opposite of why you have a remote.
The ladies call me Space Mountain…
…cause I’m a 5 hour wait and a 3 minute ride.
Wooooohhhhooooo!!!
Gonna get my eye looked at today.. usually it’s the other way around
i love banana bread you just buy a bunch of bananas and then ignore them for a while and finally you’re like ok u will be bread now
I wouldn’t know what to do with a member even if I caught one
strongly relate to the honey cake’s needs
[Sonic]
Me: … and 17 orders of tater…
Voice from the speaker: Sir, again…that’s not how toys for tots works.
The letter C should make a “ch” sound. S and K got the rest covered. Waste of prime alphabet real estate and does nothing original without help from my man H.
Spent the entire day milking a single almond.
We could all chip in, buy Rolling Stone magazine, and take turns being on the cover.
I’d say I’m an agreeable person, but if you tell me a clothing item is “out of style” I will only wear it more.
I don’t care who dies in the movie but it better not be the dog.
roman lesbians: *caesaring*
Best Buy: What’s your street name? Me: FUNK MASTER FERG bia bia! Best Buy: No, the name of your street.
Hi I’m the protagonist of a YA horror story. My name is something VERY SYMBOLIC like Persephone Underworld or Circe Evil-Lineage. Tho it seems vague, if you’re good at doing an allegory you’ll understand it’s a hint that my family has an evil, death-related history. Spoiler alert
Wife: [Came back from hair salon] Are you not going to compliment me on my hair?
Me: So sorry! It’s a very nice cut! Good length on you.
Wife: I got highlights. Jack*ss.
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with her student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
[christmas day]
God: *opens gift* wow these are cool what are they
Angel: i call them wasps, they’re kinda like bees except they’re really angry, don’t die when they sting and serve no purpose whatsoever
God: they’ll be perfect for earth, thanks Lucifer
I can either cut my toe nails, or majestically swoop down and grab a salmon from a river.
Daycare sent me a pic of my 4yr old daughter holding hands with a boy..
with interlocked fingers..INTERLOCKED FINGERS?
send bail money!
stopped to pee at a McDonner’s
Me: !!Ugh!! YOUR DAMN DOG IS STARING AT ME AGAIN!
Him: Just ignore him.
Me: I’m trying!
Him: I was talking to the dog…