I need to make my kids understand that I’m not staff, I’m management.
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Women never understand the importance of cords. We NEED to keep all these cords, just in case! What if we run out of cords!
Me: I heard it’s 80 degrees already.
CW: My phone says 81.
Me: Ya know, someday I’m going to eat a hot dog right over your grave.
My husband asked me to iron a shirt, so to be nice, I went out and bought him the same shirt with no wrinkles.
70鈥檚 horror movies gave me a healthy respect for the power held by chainsaws and deserted farmhouses
COP: do you know why I pulled you over
ME: knock knock
COP: who鈥檚 there
ME: do you know why I pulled you over
COP: *begins to sweat* n..no
Million Dollar Idea: Teach pugs to DJ, create a new genre of music…pugstep.
My kids continue to fight over the last piece of this dessert, or as I call it, Devil’s Feud Cake.
I listen to Ed Sheeran in the same way I stuff an entire cupcake in my mouth over the sink hoping no one will see.
I joined Twitter to have something to do while I waited for the repairman. It’s only been 3 years, he should be here any month now.
When you work at McDonald’s they put Mc in front of your name. Unless you’re called Beth. Then you’re known as “the Scottish play”
I can’t believe I got kicked out of chess club. I didn’t realize there were rules, I just thought the pieces fought like action figures. I shouldn’t have brought Wolverine.
Ikea said if they catch me stealing any more kitchen utensils I’ll be banned for life. But I’m willing to take the whisk.
The ex just asked me how can one have a soulmate if one has no soul?
Wonder which of us he was referring to?
Some people lean in for a kiss like they’re trying to lick spreadable cheese out of a jar.
I can cook, clean, do my own laundry and grogery shop. I think I only need a woman for one thing.
To let me know when I am wrong.
MUGGER: Give me your money
ME: Stay back, I have mice
MUGGER: lol I think you mean mace
*I’ve already thrown a mouse at him*
Last week my husband made a delicious chocolate mousse. Today he confessed that it was made with tofu. I’m doubtful our marriage can survive such deceit.
馃槄馃ぃ馃槀
People who say “adorbs” make me miserbs
Me: shit that alligator’s waving at me.
Girlfriend: you shouldn’t have told him that you’d see him later.
Me *under the table*: I was just being nice.
If your name is Candy you shouldn’t be allowed to work at a weight loss clinic. It just seems cruel.
Just got off the phone with my mom.
She had a good chat.Unrelated, there are 1273 Cheerios left in this box.
Do bouncers get paid in toothpicks or are they a part of their uniform, or what exactly is the deal here?
Nobody runs faster than a parent who suddenly realizes those kids have been playing silently for way too long.
Fred realized too late that he should have bought a fresh sheet for his toga, when he walked into the black light party.
cop: do you have a license to fish?
me: yes.
cop: ok you may go.
me: *drives away on my fish*
You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, you can cry when the girl you used to babysit gets engaged before you do.
[ant colony]
husband: I am beat
wife: you鈥檙e the one who wanted to be in construction. I should鈥檝e married a doctor
husband: yeah but *flexing* can a doctor lift 5,000 times his body weight?
wife: WE ALL CAN, GARY
bank: hello sir, we suspect some fraudulent activity on your account…a purchase of ten graduation caps?
me: *staring at my ten owls* interesting
Him: Sometimes I worry about you.
Me: Yeah, I worry about me, too.