Fun Fact:
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters.
Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, meatless years.
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KATY PERRY: Can I use a real tiger?
NFL: No way, that would be dumb.
KATY PERRY: Oh I’ll show you dumb.
I used to constantly compare myself to the people around me but, as I’ve grown older, I’ve got better at not having people around me.
My 2yo said she is a grown up. I told her she isn’t, that she is a toddler. She replied, “No, I’m a grown up. I’m going to touch knives.”
Me: [stands under majestic tree watching leaves fall] This is beautiful
[2 hours later buried under a mountain of leaves] you piece of shit
when serial killers go for a run do they take the psycho path
On the next “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I investigate how there aren’t enough hangers for the clothes we washed when they were on hangers before we wore them.
I hope in my next life I come back as a dog so my pills will be wrapped in cheese
You really shouldn’t drive when you’re tired.
A man 20 years my junior just stepped right in front of me without saying excuse me. So I tripped him and he fell down the stairs. I asked him if he was okay because I have manners.
Dude yelled “Fight me like a man” at me, so I held him down and marginalized him for a thousand years.
Do you know where my mexican hat is?
– It’s somewhere bro..
Fine…a sombrero, but what I’m asking is have you seen it?
“Can you delete that photo of me? It looks EXACTLY the way I look in real life.”
-People
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
He wanted to make sure😂
*driving my date to the ER*
I told you my possum doesn’t like direct eye contact. This one is on you.
Three tips to stay young looking: drink water, wear sunscreen every day, remember every personal slight
a murder of crows, a pride of lions, a virgin of gamers
That was the most exciting race between two stationary vehicles I have ever seen. #GreaseLive
To prepare yourself for having a kid: Every night before bed say to your phone “Siri, Set an alarm. Surprise me.”
I’m just a MAN standing in front of a DOOR because I thought it was AUTOMATIC
Me: You’re going to daycare today
3: Okay
Me: We’re almost at daycare
3: Okay
Me: We’re at daycare
3: *bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
3: I didn’t know I was going to daycare
Parents that need to reheat coffee are adorable.
Hardened parents will chug it cold, or chew straight up coffee grounds; they’re desperate.
Growing up in the Midwest means I am not embarrassed to eat a pound of fried macaroni in a setting, but I am embarrassed to admit ever having sex to my family at the age of 36.
Bruce Willis is relaxing by his pool. he’s got so much sunscreen on that he slowly slides off his lounger, out of the gate & down the road
When customers come in 6 hours before closing
friend: you should be more spontaneous
me: *opens planner* when?
[Marvel pitch meeting]
“C’mon, just hear me out…”
“The answer is still no, Ted.”
.@cocacola i tried to give a coke bottle to a polar bear. he did not accept. also he took my son. i need my son back
I have to devil these eggs and I don’t want to. Where Satan when you need him?
My husband cooked dinner for my daughter and me, or as he so eloquently put it, “Makin’ dishes for my bishes.”