I got a $25 gift card to Sephora so I had to come up with $759.67 of my own money to make up the difference on my purchase
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my ears are currently carrying sunglasses, headphones, and a face mask. ears are a purse
Me: I look cute today.
Camera: No.
When you think about it, Carry On My Wayward Son is very poor parenting advice. It should be more Reign It In Douchebag You’re Upsetting Your Mom but that wouldn’t sell records I suppose.
[having a pizza party with 5 teddy bears]
More pizza, guys? Or are you… STUFFED? HAHAHA *eats all the pizza before they can answer*
Are they Milk Duds? Cuz I’m definitely not getting in your van for some stupid Milk Duds.
This whiskey tastes like my neighbours will be listening to Metallica.
God has left this place
There’s only one good girl here!
Marriage is funny. I say potato and my husband says what’s with the credit card bill.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I’ll put a whisk in the spatula drawer when I’m emptying the dishwasher.
The worst part about having PMS in the winter is the ground is too frozen to bury the bodies.
Living the best life.. 😊
My annoying little cousin is bragging about how he sleeps in a race car bed. Whatever, you little idiot.. I sleep in a real car.
If you’re wondering if marriage gets more relaxed the longer it lasts, my parents have been together 36 years and my mother just yelled “WHY DO YOU SPEAK” at my father so I’m guessing the answer is no.
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me-
Me: [takes all of my laundry out of the dryer without dropping any of it on the floor]
Shania Twain: oh shit wow
[first day as a vet]
Me: ma’am I’m afraid your horse has some of the worst cancer I’ve ever seen
Her: um this is a camel
Me: a what now??
The Mayan Calendar doesn’t really stop at 2012, they just ran out of sexy firefighters.
Faces YOU Make ON The Toilet lol (o_o) (>_<) (0_0) (^_^)
Boss: You were napping
Me: No I wasn’t
Boss: You drew eyes on Post-it notes & stuck them to your face
Me: Liar! *draws on angry eyebrows*
You can sing along to a good song in my car as long as you don’t take lead vocals. Just accept that you’re a background singer or get out.
“A little help here, Danny?”
If you need anything you can call me any time of the day or night. I won’t answer and my ringer will be off, so it won’t bother me at all.
[first date]
me: don’t let her know you vocalise everything you think
her: what?
me: shit she knows
crazy how I used to get arrested for getting drunk outdoors and now it’s pretty much encouraged
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: THERE’S CHRISTMAS PAPER AND BOWS ALL OVER
DOG 911: Your human let u eat it?
DOG: NO
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Baby bump? That’s a McRib bump.
Me: Dad, how did you guys manage without WhatsApp and SMS ??
Dad: We used to keep useless information to ourselves.
guy: what should we call our ritual for contacting the dead
shawn: a shawnce
sean: I have a better idea
Group- “Can believe Jesus just turned water into wine?!”
Me- *cutting up lines of table salt* “hey um, Jesus… soo can you do me a favor?”
Boobs are to men what laser pointers are to cats.