If my mobile provider started charging 3 times as much as their nearest competitor but there was no voicemail, I’d still stay with them.
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“I feel like I got off on the wrong foot.” – Star of a foot fetish flick criticizing his performance
Woke up a fully assimilated sighborg.
Me, seductively: I can tie the stem in a knot using my tongue 😉
Pumpkin patch owner: Get out
*hits joint*
ahhh yes this is more like it, now I have no idea what’s going on.
Hey I bet you guys can’t guess what the Titanic’s least favorite kind of lettuce is
uh oh we better all stand up for the old man in the dress who bangs a tiny hammer down or he might decide that we have to live in a cage
I’ve discovered I own five umbrellas, if anyone wants to stage a musical number.
Got an email from my kid’s teacher that instead of working on her social studies project, she spent the entire class period making a PowerPoint about goats. Apparently, the appropriate response was not, “oh cool, was it any good?”
If life sucks, take a straw and you suck too
Cashier: Such a GREAT day…how’s your weekend?
Me: *slides tampons across counter*
Cashier: Nevermind…
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
Everybody: Pink starbursts are the best starbursts
Starburst Corporate: What I’m hearing is that the bag should be half yellow starbursts
i actually have good reason to shoot the messenger. for one, i do NOT like what he’s telling me
Arthur just couldn’t quite get used to working from home.
i couldn’t figure out why i’ve had a headache all day until I heard 8 and 6 arguing about who remembered more about the emoji movie.
Please sir. my nose. it is very runny.
Generic Tissue: don’t worry. i got half of this
Looking up the guy who’s running at me progressively faster
8 out of 24 Americans cannot reduce a fraction.
[Wedding Open Bar in my 20s]
Woohoo! Imma get sooo wasted!![Wedding Open Bar in my 40s]
Woohoo! Imma save maybe $11!
It must be hard to be a rapper knowing at any moment your enemies may make beautiful poems about you
Me, telling the kids were eating Mexican tonight.
13, on phone with friend: We’re going to eat chinchillas for dinner…
Me: CHIMICHANGAS!! It’s chimichangas not chinchillas…🤦🏻♀️
hello. i am the “friend” everyone has been asking questions for online. it has been a very rough three years but im starting to feel better. thanks for all your advice.
If ghosts are real, then why aren’t any of them pantsing people
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: No! I have things to do, people to talk to, and I haven’t been outside in 3 days
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: ok
In the lobby of an office building in Toronto. I guess to make sure employees are flooded with resentment the instant they walk in the door?
Today’s mission to embrace your inner child, bite a stranger throw a tantrum and take naps
I always eat free range chicken… free range fish, free range hot dogs & free range ramen. (Somebody gave me this old stove)
If you’ve ever wondered what it’s like to try to dress a jelly fish, here, try to get pants on my toddler
“How do you find anything in here?!”
-my mugger, giving my purse back