cars have windows and can move. houses have windows and can’t move. so it’s not the windows that make the car go, it’s something else entirely
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Gummy vitamins for dads called Dadgummit.
Snakes have both zero chill and tons of chill because I start freaking out when a piece of food takes a second to go down my esophagus and they feel that every time they eat and it’s not an almond it’s a mouse, oh snakes I wish you such peace
*pulls fire alarm in apt building*
*everyone runs outside*
[Me on megaphone]IVE GATHERED U HERE B/C SOME OF U STILL HAVE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS UP
If stranded in a lifeboat in the middle of the sea, rub 2 FB accounts together to generate enough thoughts & prayers to lift you to safety.
*during sex*
Him: come on baby tell me what you want me to do!
Me: ring for pizza, I’m bloody starving
[creating the armadillo]
GOD: I want a half turtle,
ANGEL: Okay
G: Half pig,
A: Okay, I’m on it-
G: Half anteater
A: …Are u drunk
G: Very
Dead
Alive
Other✔
Leonardo Dicaprio has addressed the UN about climate change.
Well if anyone should know about the dangers of melting icebergs, it’s him!
When I hear teenagers talk I wonder why there’s not a high school class dedicated to learning the definition of the word “literally”
April is alcohol awareness month…..I think we’re all aware.
Cheers!
Boss: “Do you know why I called you in here?”
Me: “To see if I can read minds?”
DOCTOR: What’s the matter?
ME: I don’t know. Sometimes I feel like I’m a bad husband.
DOCTOR: I meant with your wife.
ME: Oh her water broke or something.
Traveler’s camo
Would love to see a reality show where they promise the prize will “change contestants lives FOREVER”…and it’s a brain swap with a cow.
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
Therapist: ‘Strange. Weird. Odd.’
Me: ‘Am I paying for this?’
My kid spends so much time at the nurse’s office she now has a medical degree.
I started calling all three of my children by their last name. You’d think that would increase my chances of one of them acknowledging me, but you’d be wrong.
God: kill your son
Abraham: uh…ok
God: holy shit I’m jk
Abraham: umm…
God: I’ll probably kill mine tho lol
Abraham: wtf?
I don’t really ask for much, just good health and happiness. Oh, and a tater tot as big as my head.
*puts sriracha on a kangaroo*
HOT POCKET
My kid saw everything that was going to be from Santa in my saved-for-later cart on Amazon, so now my options are to start Christmas shopping from scratch or to persuade my kid that Amazon works for Santa.
More foods should have boats, why should gravy have all the fun?
it’d be impossible to tell if a sloth was clapping sincerely
Day 1 of healthy eating
So good to be eating healthily again. I feel fitter and better in myself already
Day 2 of healthy eating
I miss cheese so much I want to cry. I’ve forgotten the taste of chocolate. Vegetables taste of sadness and resentment. I’ve never known such misery
Knuckle tats:
(M)(Y)(P)(A)(R)(E)(N)(T)(S)
(W)(E)(R)(E)(R)(E)(L)(A)(T)(E)(D)
clean window: [exists]
toddlers: what’s that taste like
My preschooler talks a lot of trash when we play Chutes and Ladders for someone who needs help counting his spaces.
Toys R Us went out of business because their mascot was a stupid giraffe when it could’ve been a toy dinosaur called the Toysaurus. It was right there man.
Hate your job as a calendar maker?Need a way to get fired? Easy.
( •_•)
( •_•)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Just take a day off