My husband pissed me off so I poured a quart of oil under the hood of his truck. That should keep him busy.
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I had surgery on my hand but I’m telling everyone it’s a “cooking injury” so I can brag about my tamale recipe
Wife: Wanna try bondage?
Me: SURE
Wife: [makes me build a pyramid]
My husband helped me relax by going to the store for some gift bags for my son’s upcoming birthday. He just returned victorious and presented me with a bunch of brown paper lunch sacks.
Yall keep making fun of millennials you gonna regret all those karate lessons you bought us
Interviewer: So, why do you want to work here?
Me: Well, I don’t really want to “work” here, per se…I just really need the paychecks.
usher: bride or groom
me: just a guest
usher: no which are you here for
me: neither I’m married
My husband left me this morning. Again.
he’ll be back after work, but still. I’m getting really sick of these games.
According to the 2nd law of thermodynamics, when parents relax, children must increase the amount of disorder in the universe to compensate.
[old couple feeding ducks in the park]
“Nothing could ruin this Edna”
*I scare all the ducks away, punch the old man and steal their bread
Good morning to everyone except my son who asked why I haven’t had a real boyfriend in years.
How do you get the farmer’s daughter to fall in love with you?
A tractor.
Helen Hunt but only when Helen hungry.
The closer the wasp is, the slower the window rolls up.
It’s real life horror movie science
guy at the gym: hey can you spot me
me: ya you’re not even hiding
“Any drugs or alcohol, sir?”
“No thanks. Getting those things from a cop seems awfully setup-ish.”
My mom once called me at 3am to tell me some long lost relative died and hung up on me when I asked if they’d still be dead at 8am.
I’d use my best pan on you.
Behold…the 4th horseman of the Apocalypse.
I need to know the brand of toothbrush my neighbor has. I hear it buzzing sometimes an hour at a time and she’s clearly enjoying it
Dear commercial pitching me how much my funeral will cost,
It’s not going to cost ME anything.
A dating app for angry people- Grumble
I’ve put the garden waste wheelie bin out. I’ve no idea if it’s getting collected today but everyone else in the street has now done the same just in case.
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who still has to sometimes call for help because he fell into the toilet while pooping.
You say illegal, I say added to my bucket list.
I feel more comfortable in your arms than anywhere else ❤
~Conversations I have with my couch
Nana said I took too much NyQuil so I laughed at her and then she turned back into a paper clip and jumped into my fave Law & Order episode.
My family tasked me with prepping the canned cranberry sauce and I don’t eat berries from a can so I had no idea how it was supposed to be. It looked like jello so I smashed it all up and apparently I was supposed to slice it. My grandma is crying
Jesus: Behold my powers.
*walks onto water and falls in*[back in heaven]
God: HAHAHAHAHA
Angel: HAHAHAHA “behold my powers”
God: HAHAHAHA
respect that the little drummer boy showed up empty handed and said here’s some noise
Once again thinking about the most Massachusetts headline I’ve ever seen