Didn’t sleep much but I got a few solid hours of worrying done.
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my doctor says eating red meat is like a steak thru my heart
*driving my date to the ER*
I told you my possum doesn’t like direct eye contact. This one is on you.
somebody posted a photo of a cat on nextdoor asking who’s cat it was and so far six people have claimed him
age 14: guys, watch this i’m gonna jump off this wall [eats absolute shit and gets up like its nothing]
age 25: [googling ‘is the way i’m wearing my guitar strap hurting my back’]
idc who house I’m at, i’m drying my hands on yo decoration towels
Day drinking poolside. There’s literally nothing that could ruin this moment.
“MOMMY WATCH THIS!”
Dumbledore: the mirror of erised shows your deepest desires.
Harry: *tearing up* i’m with my mom
Snape: omg same
I would watch a horse race if there were no horses. Just those little jockeys, in their splendid, colorful silk outfits and helmets and goggles running their little hearts out. I can picture it. It’s just too magical. Excuse me. I feel faint.
If a dude can be CEO of three companies at the same time that just says to me CEO isn’t a very demanding or important job.
The baby spit up on my Xbox so I had to get rid of it…
I’m gonna miss that baby…
Don’t get upset if you hit a lot of red lights on your way to work. You’d turn red too if you had to change in the middle of the street.
my gf left me cuz I’m insecure
nvm she’s back she went pee
How crazy is it that we used to say “three and a half inch floppy” with a straight face
Not sure why “you’ve made your bed, now lie in it” is supposed to be a bad thing. It sounds pleasant. I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
Thought about doing many things today but that’s as far as I got.
ah yes the two sexualities, queer and italian
[texting]
WIFE: need to talk when u get home
ME: about what
WIFE: too much to text just wait till u get home
ME: *never goes home*
Dispatcher: 911. What’s your emergency?
Me: Help! I’m being held hostage in a downtown office building!
D: By who?
Me: This really angry man! 1460 Maple Avenue. Please hurry! He’s making me DO THINGS!
D: OK. Please stay on the line.
Me: I can’t. My coffee break’s almost over!
Jaws (1975): people started hating a shark for doing normal shark things
Nothing against Peloton, but for about a tenth of the price you can buy a bike that actually goes places.
Dear god, please let me have sex at least as often as adobe or java needs an update. Everyday.
When my in-laws kindly told me to treat them as if they were my own family I graciously obliged.
I don’t speak to my own family either.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth…
Then it’s a soap opera!
Casual: Rob a bank
Fancy: Robert a bank
Be kind or be quiet. As the old saying goes, “If you can’t say anything nice, then you get the duct tape.”
Decided to stop saying “please subscribe” in my videos and it’s working. No new subscribers.
OBGYN : What are you using for birth control?
Me: my personality
23 year old me
*camps out for two days for tickets to Nirvana
48 year old me
*Wouldn’t walk across the street to see The Beatles
“WTF?”
“Seriously?”
“How could you?”
“Oh, man!”
“I’m right here.”
-my dog watching me throw food in the trash
Panda bears are proof that it’s okay to be kind of an idiot as long as you’re super adorable