To avoid eating all the Halloween candy, I got tiny Bibles to hand out instead but, nope, I’ve eaten all those too.
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I will probably never be the tallest person in the room, but I will certainly be the highest
[friend’s house]
ME: [trying to sound cool] Ooh! Is that EDM we’re listening to?
FRIEND: No, I’ve got gym shoes in the dryer, my wife is vacuuming, and the smoke alarm is going off.
“Can we go outside and play now?”
“Soon, boy.”
“You said that ten minutes ago.”
“As soon as I finish my cof-“
“Oops.”
“You did that on purpose.”
“It slipped.”
“I’ll get my coat.”
“Excellent.”
I think police forgot which organized group of white dudes with shaved heads they are.
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S01E01: so i guess these guys do business or something?
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S02E10: roman’s bid to secure private funding would have won the proxy war but ultimately the capital wasn’t reliable enough to prevent the firm from h
The crows are royally pissed off about something this morning and I’m thinking about flying up there and joining.
I think I could be a pretty good boxer as long as the other guy isn’t allowed to hit me.
fondly reminiscing about the time i overslept for work by six hours and didn’t get fired
I can’t remember if Moses was DC or Marvel
Reading is a gateway drug to being less stupid.
“I think I stepped in some upchuck”
What’s up, Chuck?
“Not much, but my name’s not Chuck”
*vomits*
Me: give me all the brisket you have
Food truck attendant: jesus I’m driving 80, how are you still holding on
Witch: I don’t get it. I build an enticing candy house… Why won’t these kids eat it?
[Gestures toward her candy house which is crawling with ants]
Black cat: You got me boss
A couple in Halifax got married during hurricane Fiona. The bouquet toss lasted a few hours but eventually someone caught it in Moncton.
Last night, I hid the Oreos under my son’s folded clothes in a basket and asked him to put it away… which he SWEARS he did.
Now he’s standing in front of the pantry freaking out that the Oreos are gone. Who wants to tell him?
We have a winner.
i think it’s pretty cool that we can all agree on the most fucked up thing of the past decade.
it wasn’t ebola
it wasn’t trump
it wasn’t even blake shelton getting sexiest man of the year
it was that damn U2 album that apple decided to just download to everyone’s iphone
Today we break bread and give thanks. Tomorrow I will throat-punch you at Wal Mart.
Call a dude bro 3 times in a row and he’ll automatically flex.
It’s the redoucheflex
*peeking out the curtains, sighing heavily* Honeyyyy we’ve got sexy singles in our area again
*getting the broom*
Shoo! Shoo! Terry, you have to stop leaving hard seltzers on the porch, it attracts them,
Gravy boat.
Gravy boat.
All the dishes are on my son’s bedroom floor so I’m drinking coffee from a GRAVY BOAT!
Heard my downstairs neighbor shouting “GET INSIDE NO GET INSIDE RIGHT NOW YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED OUTSIDE GET INSIDE” at about the same time 3 mornings in a row so looked to see what the new pet was and turns out its a roomba
I’m just eating cereal out of a bucket now, like a horse
My husband pissed me off today, so I hid his keys by putting them in the spot where we keep our keys.
Two people are breaking up outside my window right now & I just heard one of them scream YOU DON’T EVEN FOLLOW ME ON INSTAGRAM. Some things are unforgivable.
I feel bad for my Roomba, so every other day I vacuum while it sits on the couch watching TV and drinking beer.
“That’ll be $147,382.” – The cab driver after taking Will Smith from Philadelphia to Bel Air.
Stop telling everyone I’m posting from earth. People don’t need to know where I live.
Warm welcome to all my new followers from last night when I changed my avi to a skinny brunette from Pinterest
My wife found out I was cheating when she found the letters I’d been hiding.
She said, she’s never playing Scrabble with me again.