[funeral home]
DIRECTOR: Your uncle got hit by a bus?
ME: Yeah.
DIRECTOR: Do you want a quote on the headstone?
ME: Like what?
DIRECTOR: Well, did he have any last words?
ME: Yes.
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The amount of cream cheese I smear on a bagel when I’m dining out is VERY different than when I’m at home. Alone. With my tub of cream cheese.
This job fair has fewer giant turkey legs and sword fights than I thought it would
So, can we agree on 4 or
My son proposed to his fiancée about six months ago and she said yes. They’re super happy, we love her family too. I just found out today that another girl is in love with him and plans to propose next week…. should I say anything? Oh and also, he’s 4. They’re all 4.
Friend 1: I love dry shampoo; it’s so simple!
F2: no water
F3: no chemicals
Me: Your hair is filthy.
I’m concerned that some of you are experts in your fields of employment.
one time i was taking a cpr training class and someone did cpr so hard on the manikin that the head popped off and then she went to lunch and never came back
ikea instructions make no sense, why would they only give me one allen wrench to cook all these meatballs
I miss trying to seem sober to a bartender and just way overdoing it like “Excuse me good sire, may I please inquire as to the whereabouts of your bathing rooms?”
Nephew: Were the scorpions around when there were dinosaurs?
Me: You mean like the band?
Blessed are the teens who leave the kitchen cleaner than they found it.
Therapist: what would you say to your dad if he were alive today?
Me: sorry for cremating you. I honestly thought you were dead
[rescued at sea]
Coastguard: Where are the others?
Me: Had to eat them.
CG: You were out there for 4 hours.
M: They really got on my nerves.
I started an argument in a Yahoo! chat room back in 1999 that is still going on.
My phone keeps sending me a message telling me moisture has been detected in my usb port, I think it might be flirting with me
[first date]
HER: i’m super close to my dad
ME: *trying to impress* you’re grounded
Shot my first turkey today. . scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section…
If you don’t like the idea of wiping someone’s ass in the middle of eating a delicious meal, you probably shouldn’t become a parent.
Guys I went to the department store today to by a toaster over and they made me wear pants and I wouldn’t because this isn’t the America I signed up for and I know the constitution so I left with no pants and no toaster oven thanks a lot.
Pro-tip to avoid corona-virus
Eat garlic.
Lots of garlic.
It won’t do anything against the virus, but it will keep other people away.
My neighbour is pissed. My recycle bin has missing for months so I’ve been using hers. My boyfriend is missing too. Same situation.
In the future I will replace my feet with chainsaws after accidentally cutting them off with my chainsaw hands.
Everyone is always talking about raising money for dogs without homes but what about the ones who don’t have cars
My signature move at family dinners is waiting for someone to put their drink down at the table & then moving it when they go to the buffet.
my dad has had enough
Yes I delete tweets when they don’t live up to my expectations.
Just be glad I don’t have kids.
Me: I choose Truth!
Him: What is the most time wasting app on your phone?
Me: …I choose Dare!
So I just found some ham in my purse. How thoughtful of drunk me.
Fairy godmother: Remember, at midnight the spell will be broken.
Me in my 30’s: Oh no worries. I’ll be done and at home in my pajamas by 8pm.
FGM: Oh no, my dear, you have until midni—
Me: 8PM.
My ex got me one of those mermaid tail blankets and when I told my mom she said I don’t need to hear about your perverse sexual proclivities and I think of this often