Candy corn is the rare candy that’s worse than than the vegetable it’s based on.
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Monsters under the bed lose their scariness when my own bed tries to make waffles out of me.
Sorry I said your mom’s beef stroganoff was stroganawful.
Welcome to your 40’s: you’re older than your doctor now.
how do they get the mashed potatoes into the french fry shell
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
I pulled a muscle turning over in bed. Cause that’s how I roll.
Me: I’m an actor
Date: Oh that’s cool!
Me: Have you seen “No Country For Old Men?”
Date: I love that movie!
Me: Yeah it’s awesome. Anyway, haven’t booked any roles yet.
Laughter is like a face orgasm. If he can give me that, he earned an audition for giving me an actual orgasm.
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
From Facebook just now…
Turns out my cat has been saying “meow” not “mayo”.
Anyone need eight gallons of Hellman’s?
[teaching babies to swim]
Me: ok, some of you are not gonna make it
i have lived through 30 winters and i’m somehow still surprised when it gets dark before 5pm in november
*Seductively stripping out of clothes.
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
I could’ve been a doctor. OK, so I don’t have the intelligence or the people skills, but I nailed the shitty handwriting.
My kid once got out of bed and Irish step danced down the hall in her sleep. Which I guess was odd but tbh I was just relieved she wasn’t in my bed kicking me.
Getting asked ‘you want a fork’ by a hot Chinese waitress is misleading as fork to my american ears
Me: How did the interrogation go?
Detective: The perp folded like a cheap suit.
Me, has no idea what that means: That’s great. All my suits at home are rigid by the way. Rock hard.
“I’m an actress”
I watched your web series, and I disagree.
ME: *stands by the window*
ELF ON THE SHELF: *into sleeve* take the shot
No, 2013, you were not the worst year. But thank you for trying.
me: I challenge you to a fish fight
them: you mean fist fight?
Me: [gently putting bass knuckles on my best goldfish Reginald] no
I have strict instructions to my husband that upon my death he has to put that “in memory of my beautiful wife” sticker on the back of his car or I’ll haunt him forever.
But who am I kidding? I’m going to haunt him regardless.
Yesterday I asked my 12-year-old son what other kids at school think about him having 2 dads.
His response: They don’t care but they don’t like how I’m immune to “Yo Mama” jokes.
My nail technicians always speak their native language around me and I can’t help but feel left out…it’s like…come on besties…I want to make fun of me too
“Pasta la veista, baby”
-Arnold Schwarzenoodles
TEACHER: Have you got anything for today’s palindrome class?
STUDENT: dammit I’m mad
TEACHER: OK, OK, I’ll ask someone else
BIKE: Seems like you’ve been eating well since the last time you used me.
ME: *regretting the “great deal” I got on a vicious cycle*
My 3-year-old put a blanket over her head and ran around like it was an invisibility cloak, but not for long.
It made walls invisible, too.
*composes email*
*proofreads*
*hovers mouse over send button*
*proofreads again*
*is about to send*
*proofreads a third time*
*gets glass of water*
*proofreads once more*
*finally sends email*
*re-reads email just for good measure*
OH NO I SAID HITLER INSTEAD OF HELLO