WIFE: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas.
ME: {drinking toast} Why?
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13- My hormones are coming in!
Me- What?
13- My chin is growing hairs like you
H: I’m going to the store.
M: Why don’t you take my truck?
[3 hrs later]
H: Your truck was out of gas, the tires needed air and it needed an oil change.
M: You don’t say? Huh, weird. *sips wine*
Piers Morgan. RT @DavidPressman: Anyone else nude and crying?
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
Husband: Come on baby, do that thing that I love.
Me: *stuffs an entire jelly doughnut into my mouth*
Shepherd’s pie is the ratio of a shepherd’s circumference to its diameter
At my age getting up early just means that I had to go pee and I couldn’t hold it anymore.
I’m white, but not “gets eaten by a shark” white.
*tip toes out front door*
*wife texts me from China*“Where you going?”
[the first couples argument]
Adam: It’s Christmas Eve.
Eve: No, you idiot. Christmas is tomorrow.
I’m convinced when squirrels run the road, nearly missing your car, it must be some kind of squirrel gang initiation.
The best shot in the history of golf
If my ex had an autobiography it would be called “Mein Cramps”
What, did you NOT SEE that one coming?
Jesus: *tearing bread* this is my body
Disciples: ooh
Jesus: *pouring wine* and this is my blood
Disciples: ahh
Jesus: *putting Nickelback on Spotify* and this is How You Remind Me
There has been a pencil case on the landing of my staircase for a week now. I notice it every time I go up or downstairs, but vowed not to pick it up just to see if someone else would.
There will be a Covid vaccine before this pencil case gets moved.
If pain is fear leaving the body, what gets the stupid out?
printer: replace cyan ink cartridge
me: why? It’s a black and white document
printer: need cyan to print it
me: why?
printer: cyan
oppen heimer style lol
I stole a podium. I’m finally taking a stand.
(Listen, I am very stoned and this is hilarious to me)
*brings guitar on date to set the mood
Me: Hey do you know how to play this thing?
The bear scene from The Revenant, except it’s just me opening a jar of pickles
How much for the giant, walk-in medicine cabinet?
“Sir, this is a liquor store.”
i don’t get why IDs expire as proof of identification. ima always be me, right? right???? what does the govt know that i don’t
Whoa there, pregnancy test. You just tell us yes or no and we’ll decide if it’s positive or negative.
I doubt my humanity the most when I’m trying to read those wavy, twisty scripts that are meant to verify you’re human.
The corner of this table hurt me and made me cry, so now we’re dating
Based on my date’s reaction, they should really call them “Unhappy Meals.”
new year update: losing everything but weight