I don’t mind being fully naked or my top half being naked, but I hate being naked from the waist down only. This is why I could never be a cartoon duck
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My phone will never let me forget the day I texted “hahajaha”.
When my kids ask me anything before coffee
If my psychiatrist said “There’s really nothing more I can do for you”, that means I’m cured right??
Why is it when you tell someone you had a dream about them they assume sex? Like no dude, I killed you
[first date]
HER: It looks like you work out
ME: *adjusting the tissues in my sleeves* Oh yeah, big time worker outer
One day I’m going to cure blindness. You’ll see! You’ll all see!
count dracula: at last i’ve got you wolf man
wolf man: at last i’ve got you dracula
*dracula turns into a bat*
*wolf man turns into a wolf*
godzilla: weird flex, but ok
*eats them both*
Che: “Why do you want to participate in this guerrilla war?”
Me: [picturing myself leading an army of gorillas into battle] “Independence.”
Me: I need to see a supervisor
Hat Shop Employee: Excellent choice, Ma’am
If you say the word gaslighting 3 times in a mirror it summons Shaggy singing It Wasn’t Me
[Car dealership]
Me: *taps glove box* How ’bout this one?
Salesman: Sir, we’ve been over this, I don’t know how many McNuggets it will hold.
DIET TIP: You are what you eat. Do you really want to be celery? C’mon. Not even celery wants to be celery.
My dad can get into “dad-mode” sometimes. He’s a doctor who is worried about the virus, and told me, his 24 year old son, in a 5 min rant that this isn’t the time to be trying to have a lot of “play-dates”. So if you were trying to play after school im sorry my dad said we cant
When my kids don’t feel well: You should drink water.
When I don’t feel well: I should eat chips.
Me: Anything you can do I can do better, I CAN DO ANYTHING BETTER THAN YOU!
Mom: Why are you yelling at the dog?
Let’s make “door pants” a thing. Those pants you leave by your front door so when delivery people knock on your door you have easy access.
Watching Jaws with my 6 year old because I’m sick of going to the beach
My biggest weakness has been that I get attached very quickly.
~Superglue, probably..
Good cop: Ok relax. We are just gonna ask you a few questions
Fashion police: Who are you wearing, you piece of shit?
I’m calling about the poster for your missing cat. Why not ask the guy who took that picture? Just kidding, I ran over it.
When Wall-E first came out I was like “‘what a profound statement” and now, a few years older, I’m like “gimme one of those sick chairs.”
At the dmv waiting outside for my daughter to fill out paperwork. I’m remembering when I was 16 and my dad backed the car into the spot so I could just pull forward with the test guy. It worked! And 35 years later, I still can’t back out very well.
Strangers get so paranoid when they catch you stirring a mysterious powder into their drink.
Her: We had the baby! She is 7lbs 3oz, born at 9:08am. We’ll be naming her tomorrow.
Me: Tomorrow is a terrible name for a baby, tbh.
Doctor: we saved your dad but he’s part owl now
Son: Dad it’s me
Dad: *head turned 180°* who
Son: very funny
Doctor: yeah he has amnesia too
Lot of big talk about using time machines for murder by people who do no murdering at all in the here and now.
I’m dangerous, baby. Like egg salad that has been sitting out in the sun.
Her: Babe, I need some sex in the worst way!
Him: Lucky for you, that’s the only way I know.
I get it February, I can only leap about once every four years too.
me: I’m in a terrible mood
friend: try drinking some water
me: how dare you my emotions are real and can’t be placated
[immediately after drinking water]
me: okay obviously the water didn’t do anything but I think while drinking I took time to reflect and feel better