doctor: do you have 3 regular meals or 5 small meals a day?
me: I eat every 30 minutes to ensure nobody can ever make me swim
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“I would absolutely say I’m an introvert!” – Guy screaming to his table full of friends at brunch.
So, no one told my 13yo that spoons can’t go in the microwave.
How’s your day
My dog tried to put one paw on the floor instead of the scale when she was being weighed and I was like, “I got you girl”
when the next drug dog retires can I have it cause I straight up do not remember where I put this bag
Sesame Street has been on the air since 1969. Working with kids that long, it’s no wonder Cookie Monster is an addict & Oscar is a grouch.
My reaction to being on a flight with a lot of kids is that I really wish they made light up theme sneakers in my size
Me: baby, with you every friday is good friday
Wife: aw that’s sweet
Jesus: wow
Having a bad vocabulary is very bad
I appreciate people venturing into entrepreneurship but is it really necessary to call yourself CEO when your firm is total of 3 people?
wife: Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?
toddler [whispers] Because that’s where the cheese is
me: Because that’s where the cheese is!
Just told a teen about the music I listened to when I was her age & she said “that’s cool, I love the oldies,” so today I do my first murder
There’s safety in numbers.
CDC: Uh, no.
How to lose a gf:
Gf: which of my friends would be the most fun to have a 3some with?
Me: *names two of them*
Her: Something’s changed in here.
Me: I put a new bulb in.
Her: Well it’s not very bright
Bulb: Okay wow I’m like right here.
“Wanna see videos from my vacation?”
*shows home video of me eating a raccoon under a bridge
“This is the wrong video”
“No this is right”
Her: So, what is your major?
Him: I study forensics.
Her: Dude, that’s just 10!
😎 🍻
I kinda feel like everyone shakes their head a little too much when they see me coming
I bet cats are sad that they don’t have a middle finger.
I don’t believe Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back. He wouldn’t get any balance laying on his shell.
BREAKING NEWS: Local prosthetics store hit by unarmed robbers.
*power goes out*
wife: Great, I just bought ice cream
me [already eating it] I’m on it
We had 3 kids, I don’t remember their names and they somehow find us even after we move
I made a robot to help me argue on the internet
You’re 15 and miss the 90’s? Yeah, I’m sure those were the best 2 years of your life. Shitting in your pants and eating dirt.
Weird…my son has been having nightmares about a clown hiding in his closet ever since I dressed like a clown and hid in his closet.
me: i’m here for stabbing lessons
clerk: sir this is a fencing clu—
me: yeah whatever hand me a knife
clerk: …
me: dress me like a beekeeper
Apparently Bird Box is not a KFC $5 fill up. I know this now…
*adds resume embellisher to resume*
Saw sign in yoga store: Do One Thing A Day That Scares You. So today I start raping coyotes.