Science Fact: If you see it later, it was an alligator. If you see it after a while, it was a crocodile.
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Overheard on the bus:
“Stop eavesdropping on our conversation, it’s creepy and you won’t get any funny tweets out of it”
According to the law it’s not appropriate to put a bounty on my boss. I actually thought it showed great initiative and leadership.
Autocorrect changed no worries to no weiners and that’s my new tagline.
BOSS: I suspect one of you wrongly uses nouns as verbs.
Everyone turns around and stairs at me.
It’s pretty flattering when some random guy declares his love for you under a tweet. Especially if your the third chick he’s done it to in the last hour. So touching
Teens are like the Magic 8ball of humans, they think they have all the answers & you want to shake them because what they said was stupid.
When my nudes go to the cloud I always hope God is impressed.
Because everyone in Italy is quarantined, the natural wildlife has returned to the water and forests ❤️ We are the virus
“POLICE, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.”
Show me a badge.
*cop gets badge out*
I didn’t say Simon Says.
“Let’s go home guys. Sorry, my fault.”
You know it’s time for a pedicure when you can exfoliate one foot with the other one
Are iPads supposed to be red with two white knobs on the bottom?
For all those men who say”Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?”
I say: why buy an entire pig just to get a little sausage!
“Thou shall keep swimming” -Nemonians 7:69
Me: ‘Can I offer you something to drink?’
Waiter: ‘I’m sorry?’
Me: ‘I know, it’s weird right? Now you try.’
COP: Have you been drinking?
ME: [carrying 2 penguins I just stole] Good God I hope so
[telling a scary story to a group of moths] and when she opened the door..[holds flashlight to face] she- AH GET OFF OF ME YOU GUYS
By age 30 you should have:
$3 in savings
$5,000 in credit card debt
Existential dread
A favorite spoon
One half-dead plant you feel really bad about because your mom keeps asking for grandkids but you’re not ready and you thought this basil plant would be a good place to start
My teens hanging with me at 7pm:
19yo: I need to email my professor!
15yo: That’s late for an old person.
19yo: He answered me back!
15yo: Wow! You sure he’s as old as Mom?
Me: Hey!
19yo: No–
Me: Thank you!
19yo: Definitely not as old as Mom!
Me: HEY!
Boss: Are you drinking at your desk?
Me: Yes, because it’s too hot outside.
Best “black friday” deals come when your neighbors leave their windows unlocked.
I accidentally asked for a “large” coffee at Starbucks and some kid standing behind me swallowed his vape pen.
Nothing makes me scream louder during sex than when my husband calls to let me know he’s on his way home from work.
While it may be physically possible to have a baby after 40, forty children are probably enough.
ME: I’ll have the steak
WAITER: with pleasure
ME: um no, with steak sauce
i’ve been laughing at this for 5 mins
Cashier: That’ll be $29.95 sweetheart
Me: Here you are, pumpkin face
Cashier:
Me: oh, I’m sorry, were we not giving eachother cute nicknames?
God: I shall call this a tiger
Me: *scratching ‘angry fire zebra’ off my sheet* yeah cool whatever
I don’t really WANT to make bad choices; but I got here late and all the good choices were already taken.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re tired of straining your pasta by pouring it on to your cupped hands and waiting until the boiling water seeps through, try “colanders”. I’ve just switched to colanders and they’ve made cooking pasta a much less painful experience👍
Neighbor: I don’t drink coffee it makes your teeth all yellow.
Me: Throws holy water in her face.
*Neighbor melts
Me: Not today Satan.