[unhooks bra on 3rd try]
“Sir, please don’t touch the mannequins.”
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So where do I put the banana if I am not happy to see you?
Friend: Where do you get your sense of humor?
Me: My dad. But don’t say that to him.
F: Why not?
Me: He gets really mad.
Drove past two First Baptist churches.
One of them is lying.
How much for the sentient racist skeleton?
“Sir, that’s Ann Coulter…”
My roommate went on a bumble date and was nervous so decided to pound shots in her car once she got to the place they were meeting and the guy was parked next to her and watched her chug vodka for 5 minutes.
Dating is rough.
Google Maps places way too much faith in my ability to find my destination on my left in 800ft
*getting eyelashes done* just glue them shut I’ve seen enough
Leave ‘em wanting more. That’s what I always
Been dating this guy for 4 months and today he asked me why I don’t have a boyfriend. ☹️☹️
the answer was staring at me all along
I haven’t been invited to my family’s Thanksgiving dinner since 12 years ago when I put pepper on my mom’s mashed potatoes without trying them first.
My 10yo programmed Alexa so that when he asks, “Who am I?”, she responds, “You’re the king and you’re better than everybody. Deal with it, peeps!”
I am so, so embarrassed that I didn’t program her first.
I tripped going up the escalator and fell down the stairs for like 20 minutes.
He told me I’m too competitive but I think he’s just jealous I won at that puzzle.
A thief has removed all the motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently trying to find Leeds.
Either I just saw a bat in the garden or the mice are using hand-gliders to avoid our cat.
News Reporter: …and once again Spider-Man saves the day. This city would be nothing without our amazing hero.
Drunk Radioactive spider: *throws bottle at TV* I MADE HIM!!!
[The Cheesecake Factory]
*looking at menu*
Alan Rickman voice: Turn to page 394.
Sex is like lasagna – there’s absolutely no reason for it to involve spinach in any form.
Who died and made you king? Oh the king before you died. Well that makes sen- Oh he was your father. Well then I’m very sorry for your loss.
I’m on a strict seafood diet where I cover everything in salt.
Tik Toks be like here’s a money hack:
Commit Fraud
You could make dinner for a toddler, or you could just cut out the middle man & throw away a plate of food and squirt ketchup on the dog.
Someone should open a bar called “The Gym”, so when I tell people where I’m going, it won’t be a lie.
[to guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
dude that things for bears
Gmail is down. My wife is running around screaming. The toddler just cursed at Grandma. Grandma spat at the toddler. The dog is dancing to Slipknot. The freezer is burning. The floor is lava
sigh
COP: do you know why I pulled you over
ME: knock knock
COP: who’s there
ME: do you know why I pulled you over
COP: *begins to sweat* n..no
A lady just told me that the theatrical release of “Cats!” is what caused the pandemic, and I want to argue, but I can’t.
Please don’t forget what Christmas is really about.
Asking your 30 year old cousin when she’s going to start having babies.