Due to personal reasons, I’ll only act surprised by the same information 7 times tops
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when I was like 16 I tried to prank my mom on april fools by telling her I was pregnant and she said you have to have sex to get pregnant emma
That’s why you always keep moving. Don’t leave a digital footprint. Get a new identity, cut ties with family and friends. Keep a go-bag behind your bedroom drywall, stop watching reality TV.
That last one doesn’t have anything to do with being on the run, it’s just a good idea
A married couple with no kids just asked my wife and I to go out for drinks at 9:30 tonight.
They did it with a straight face too.
*removing hair clog from drain*
Well wookiee here
I work 24/7 – which is about 3.42 hours.
Mama? Is this true?!
#FewThingsAreMorePainfulThan
Does the smell of burnt hot dogs and sour bologna turn you on? If so, I work with a guy that I’d like you to meet.
ME: Thanks for all you did man. It’s because of people like you, we have our freedom.
HIM: Again, I’m a veterinarian.
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with confetti canons because I like to party
Fed the cat dog food and suddenly she’s barking at the mail man.
To everyone out there suffering from anxiety: you are not alone there’s someone behind you
I’ve watched this 19 times this morning.
My doctor told me I have acute appendicitis and I said “Compared to who!?”
[watching him pack his bag to leave]
Me: So this is it, we’re done and you’re leaving me?
Plumber: Uh yes the toilet is unclogged now.
Sample lady: Would you like to try a chocolate chip cookie?
Me: You have to tell me if you’re a cop.
Wife: Wow, I’m tired
Me: Go relax, give me the recipe and I’ll make dinner
[Five minutes later]
Me: Honey, I think we’re out of…”oven”?
John Wick: contract killer
John Wink: lady killer 😉
*does that thing*
Friend: let’s do that thing again next month!!!
Me: yes, great idea! That thing is brilliant!!!
*three weeks later*
Friend: we still good for that thing next week?!!
Me: yes I’m really looking forward to that thing!!!
*day of that thing*
Me: oh no
My favourite movie romance is Keanu Reeves and Sandy Bullock in Speed because they meet by overcoming the greatest relationship hardship of all: when a woman is driving and a man is trying to give her directions
The rain is pounding so hard I’m kind of jealous.
Petition to allow customer service employees to fight at least one customer per day.
[first date]
me: [don’t let her know you’re a microwave]
her: my food is a bit cold
me: [my head starts slowly rotating]
5: Mommy, you’re a BOSSY YELLER who makes people CRY.
My mother, to 5: Yes. She’s always been that way.
If you’re into audio you’re an Audiophile.
If you love French culture you’re a Francophile.
This is why I can’t get involved with PETA.
Party Tip:
At a 3-year-old’s birthday party, you can piss all over the bathroom. ALL OVER!!!! Nobody will suspect you.
*fakes headache to get out of work*
*updates resume with “proficient at adapting previously learned skills to new tasks”*
Pro tip: Do your makeup before you start drinking.
If I ever get trampled to death by a herd of cattle I want my obituary to say I was pasturized. Thanks.
I’m sorry that you invited me over to your apartment for dinner and I created a negative Yelp review about the experience
You: Help! I’ve been shot!
Me (remembering a time I poked a hole in the side of my cup o’ noodles with a fork but held my finger over it to stop the broth from leaking while I ate): I can help.