Whenever I begin to lose faith in humanity, I am reminded that there are still everyday heroes out there doing the Lord’s work.
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At some point you realize that world peace and inner peace are too much to wish for and ask for an extra piece of pizza instead
*a jerk tries to punch me but I catch it perfectly in my mouth and swallow him whole like a snake*
Samsung just announced a series of water resistant phones. Just what you want in a phone that sets itself on fire – to be water resistant.
I told 14 to put the towels from the washer to the dryer 4 hours ago. I asked an hour ago if he did and he said yes.
He never turned the dryer on. I guess that shit’s on me for not specifying.
This Independence Day please remember that fireworks are not a toy, they are meant to be aimed at the nearest British ship.
ME: One time I was attacked by a shark
REPORTER: Wow! [turns on recorder] tell us what it was like
ME [leans in to mic] A massive fish
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists have discovered what may be the worlds largest bed sheet. More on that as it unfolds.
“Hi I can’t remember the name of this actress.You know her, she’s in that movie you saw. She’s got that hair.”
-actual message from my mom
Yesterday, I build a closet. Today, I’m making jam. Tomorrow, I’m ending inequality. Jk, I’m reenacting Connan the barbarian with sock puppets
Uber: “I’m in a blue Honda Civic.”
Me: “ok”
Me to me: “ok, we know what blue is”
I have a solar eclipse every two minutes inside my living room ever since my toddler learned how to open & close the blinds.
Not to say I’m reckless, but my guardian angel wears a blindfold.
5 & 8:
Mommy, may I wear these boots?
Can you find my jeans?
Will you brush my hair?
Will you tie my shoes?
Mommy, why aren’t you ready?
request for a new client, your honor, i think this one’s guilty
o/ = Cheering
/o = The Scream
/o/ = Superman
_o_ = Jesus
lol = I surrender, and I’m laughing out loud about it.
wife: why is the automatic soap dispenser in the kitch- *hazelnut creamer squirts into her hand*
A toddler can do more in one unsupervised minute than most people can do all day.
Peter Parker Peter Driver
*Eating my third bowl of ice cream*
I really thought this Keto diet would be harder.
me: i love pillow talk
pillow: hello
me: what the hell
Dog [opening Christmas present]: I swear to god Jason if I get one more bone I will OH MY GOD A BONE IT’S A BONE HOW DID YOU KNOW THIS IS THE BEST PRESENT EVER I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU GOT ME A BONE I LOVE THIS I LOVE YOU
The inventor of inappropriate innuendo has died
His family are taking it really hard
The closest I am getting to a tropical vacation is a coconut scented shampoo…
Me: Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
Her: no
Me: *dials another number* Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
[hearing that someone has died]
oh no that guy hated dying
my son thinks trying to crawl around me to play with electrical sockets is hilarious. almost as funny as yeeting himself off the side of the bed
6’5″ guy: [starts a fight with me at the bar]
me: [hides behind GF]
GF: HEY, WHAT THE F-
me: look, we need more strong female lead char-
kids have such bloody amazing imaginations, and yet when it comes to naming things they’re like this is elfie, my elf
If I ever become a ghost, I sure hope they have some options other than pottery.