Jared Leto’s primary preparation for his role as the Joker was changing his middle name to Stil
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I have a mice problem so I lay out tiny red and blue bandanas in hopes they start a west coast/east coast thing and take care of each other.
Kids: Mom, what happened to our college fund?
Me: Avocados.
Visitor: When will you tell us where you keep the unicorns? 🦄
Us: As soon as visitors stop feeding squirrels and taking dangerous selfies with bison, we’ll let you know where the horses with giant spikes on their heads roam.
“See you on the other side…”
~Me every time I’m at a gate with someone
my friend said she won’t hang out with me anymore because I described a pigeon we saw at the park as “thicc”
“Ow that dog just nipped at me”
PEE ON IT!
“No man NO STOP THAT DOESN’T WORK FOR EVERYTHING”
I’M HERE FOR YA BUDDY!
People who leave their underwear at parks are either awesome at sex or terrible at dressing raccoons.
STOP RUNNING IN THE HOUSE!
I said STOP RUNNING!
STOP RUNN..
YOU BETTER RUN YOU LITTLE SHIT!
Dreams won’t chase you back, but Canadian geese sure as hell will.
Pro tip:
Don’t go to knife fights. Then you never have to worry about what to bring.
Interviewer: why do u want to work here
me: revenge
I never tell people about how the pens on my desk double as excellent ball-scratchers BEFORE they put them in their mouths. That’d be silly.
*pours one out for my dad on Father’s Day*
*my dad’s ghost yells at me for wasting good vodka*
This Kit Kat commercial is making some awfully big assumptions about both my generosity and number of friends.
When you love bacon, but you also love your pet pig:
Me: “A handful of goldfish makes a great snack.”
Her: “Those crackers are too salty for me.”
Me (with fish breath): “What crackers?”
Guys criticizing women’s pics on here are like, “yes, you’ve laid a fully cooked banquet in front of me — but that roast is a little overdone, I’ve seen better in a cookbook once”
Someday my kids are going to eat their own pizza crusts, and then I’ll have nothing for dinner.
6YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
6YO: …this morning your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
With all due respect to Marie Kondo if I wanted to actually get rid of all the things in my life that didn’t “bring me joy” I’d just throw myself into a dumpster
Then there were 3 sets of footprints & God said “This is Deb. She answered my Craigslist ad & U r the one who said we should try new things”
My Boss: Are you with me so far?
Me *nodding* : Yes.
*Narrator: He had not, in fact, been with his Boss for some time.
The rare times my cat comes to me for affection, I run and hide under the bed, so she knows what that feels like.
Lost 4 stone and feel great, but it started with a trip to India where I got the shits, came back and everyone said well done on diet, had to carry on as I didn’t want to explain about the shits.
“We can’t hire you. We’re trying to get more diverse”
ME: But I’m Hispanic
[A bear walks in wearing a fresh Hooters outfit]
ME: Aw man
Almost nailed it! 😂🤣
just saw a bunch of tourists take a selfie with a bunch of cops. this is why we must ban tourism
Me: it’s almost like if someone is interested in me I instinctively run away
Therapist: that’s interesting
Me: ok you seem nice but I gotta go
[mcdonalds]
me: two marijuanas please
employee: this is the mcdonald’s drive thru
me: two McMarijuanas please