Me: Why are any of us here, really? What’s the point? Is there something bigger?
Cop: No, I meant why are you here, in this bank at two in the morning
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Co-Worker: Any of you ever smoke a turkey?
Me: No, I always have trouble finding papers big enough to roll it in.
I just made way too much pasta, so if you haven’t eaten dinner yet, swing by and watch me eat way too much pasta.
Put a kid in a lake or a river and they never want to come out. Turn on a shower and it’s like you’re blasting them with nuclear waste.
Only in America: We have a holiday devoted to gratitude & then less than 12 hrs later beat the shit out of each other for a $10 crockpot.
“How old are you” Fine thanks, how old are you
I can’t stop laughing 🤣
Warning: Too much sex leads to a house full of people who don’t like you.
A frittata is just an omelette for people too lazy to flip things.
Today my son put on a new roll of toilet paper for the very first time. He is 19.
Give a man a six pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Give him a 24 pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Hell yeah 👍
I was going to buy my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
major respect for dracula, dude been coughing into his sleeve for decades already
“You CAN even.”
– white girl life coach
When I was little, I once said that my dad could run faster than ketchup coming out of a bottle.
Whenever I get a “Final Notice” letter from a bill collector, I assume this concludes our business transaction.
Trainer: Diet to hit your goal weight.
Me: Then what?
Trainer: Diet forever to maintain it.
Me: *heading to Pizza Hut* Nvm.
[At a psychic fair]
Psychic: Ask whatever you want to know. Success? Work? Love? Money?
Me: Can you tell me where my car keys are?
in canada if you pat your pockets to show a hobo that you have no change and he hears your keys jingle, you have to give him your house.
*T-Rex stubs his toe*
OUCH I’M SO MAD. JUST… MAD. I’M…“Angry? Agitated? Irritated? Anno-”
SHUT UP THESAURUS NO ONE ASKED YOU.
me: I always get shy around beautiful women
friend: just tell her
cashier: hi
me: *quiet mumbling*
cashier: what?
me: ᴵ ˢᵃⁱᵈ ᵗʰᵉʳᵉ’ˢ ᵃ ᵈᵉᵃᵈ ᵇᵒᵈʸ ⁱⁿ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵈᵘᵐᵖˢᵗᵉʳ
Getting arrested must suck! Not only do you get arrested, you have to make a phone call!!
*at hostage negotiation class
Prof: Let’s go around and say why we’re here
Man: I joined the NYPD
Woman: I’m in the FBI
Me: I have a toddler
Dean Martin: When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie
Neil deGrasse Tyson: I don’t even know where to begin with this
all these boys want a goth girlfriend but don’t study the moves of one gomez addams.
My coworker Pete got fired and apparently I didn’t lighten the mood by calling him Obsol-Pete.
Friend: *sees my new tattoo of dogs kissing* Whoa! Is that permanent?!
Me: Yup.
Friend: Wow. What’s it mean?
Me: It means I can’t remove it.
I was trying to throw out one of the 3 year old’s toys because he hadn’t touched it in a year.
Faced with the loss he suddenly decided his neglected toy was everything and he couldn’t live without it and totally lost his mind and…
ahh beans, he’s inherited my break up angst.
When I die I want a crank on the side of my coffin that plays
“Pop Goes The Weasel ”
just to see who has the guts to turn it. 😅