Dandelions are just like regular lions, except they wear ascots.
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In every successful relationship the MAN always has the last word – “Yes Dear.”
Every time we go out as a family, my wife spends half the time yelling “What did we talk about before we left home?” She even says it to the kids.
“Hey, people who cover their mouth when they laugh; noone is trying to steal your teeth”, i hiss through my very normal amount of teeth.
I just washed my car in my driveway and people sped up instead of slowing down.
my good friends know that i’m just 4 voicemails and 10 texts away. like whenever they need me. when I’m available.
A British person will be slightly insulted by someone, not say anything, nurture a lingering resentment, patiently bide their time, and eventually, in an unrelated conversation with the person years later, will remark, “that’s typical of you.” Usually across a dining table.
I’ll take the seat next to the guy who swallowed the wifi.
[Watching “Alien” with my son]
Son: You can let go of my hand, dad. I’m not scared
Me: *shaking* Just a few more minutes, please.
me at age 5: if I get a million dollars ill buy a yacht and 14 trampolines
me at age 25: if I get a million dollars ill go to the dentist and pay for express shipping on stuff
Is your bathroom floor too dry? Try having kids™️
HBO’s Cookie Monster is much darker
Townspeople: [shaking pitchforks at me] BURN THE WITCH
Me: lmao go ahead I can take it
Townspeople: you have a dumb face
Me: [tearing up] ok I was wrong I can’t take it
My biological clock is telling me it’s lunch time
Smoke alarm batteries only die between 2 and 4 a.m.
I don’t make the rules.
SOMEONE LEFT. A FULL PLATE OF COOKIES. AND A GLASS OF MILK. RIGHT BY THE FIREPLACE FOR ME. I AM NOT KIDDING. WHAT A NIGHT
people that say “on another note” probably use a lot of paper
Geez man, take it easy.
oppen heimer style lol
ok kids, this is a smoke detector, if you hear it beeping change the battery, if it’s still beeping, check to see if ur on fire
Don’t ask me for advice I still don’t understand what a 3D printer is.
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the nite of the 5th?”
Stabbing a guy.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Grabbing a pie. I went out for pie.
Overheard 2 dad’s at the playground wondering if my kid was as creepy as me.
Joke’s on them. I don’t have kids.
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a panda suit*
QUICK HIDE THESE NO TIME TO EXPLAIN
*throws a litter of panda cubs at me*
Yes, your mother loves you. Mothers are notoriously poor judges of character.
16: What flavour yogurt is pilot’s favourite?
I don’t know.
16: Plain.
You’re going to be such a great dad.
I accidentally complimented only one of my kids and their sibling lost their mind. As any parent knows, ice cream resolves this situation, but you should give the kids some too.
Making milkshakes because I need help with my yard work.
I have a new favorite meme page
The spider I just killed with a napkin isn’t in the napkin, and now I’m in a circle of salt reciting incantations.
[being seated for blind date]
her: have you ever been on one of these before
me: yeah I love chairs