20s: I do yoga so I can be better in bed
30s: I do yoga so I can get out of bed
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An interracial couple eating Cheerios and non-English speakers drinking Coke. We’re a Benghazi pizza commercial away from a Texas secession.
Mediums are on the decline because no one from the past wants to talk to us anymore
9: My room is clean.
Me: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.
“I don’t want a boyfriend.” -woman who wants a boyfriend who isn’t me
In a car crash a dog would rescue you.
However a cat would pour liquor over your face and testify against you in court.
killing the conversation in the discord by posting a picture of me eating an eggplant like an apple
The only occasions in which I will run:
– Zombie apocalypse
– Salma Hayek is handing out all-you-can-eat baby back ribs
My neighbor just snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a dead body is not as easy as you think.
At grandma’s. Which means this morning I woke up at 8:45am and was still greeted with, “Look who’s finally up. We thought you were dead!”
“Wanna feel old..?”
No. Next question.
I just saw my 25-year-old son run water on a slice of pizza to cool it off. I need to sit down.
Before you ask for my help, you should know I don’t even measure when I cook.
You say illegal, I say added to my bucket list.
[commercial for kids]
woman *opens pantry and 6 bags of chips fall out* ARGH!
narrator: Are you tired of having food in your house?
If you want your kid to repeat doing something then just say “don’t do that!”
Me *dying* no, no, no, I can’t join the afterlife with these on
[Later]
Wife: What the hell is that noise?
Son: I think that ghost is wearing flip flops
Him: I think you pick fights with me to get out of doing things together
Me: That’s not true
H: Wanna go hiking
M: I don’t like your tone
It would be so much less cinematic if they remade The Crow but it was a movie called The Seagull and it’s just a guy who runs about screaming for no reason and steals people’s food.
GOOD COP: He won’t talk except in sign language
BAD COP: I just cut off his left hand
BAD PUN COP: He still has the right to remain silent
If you are a turkey right now and someone offers to cut off your head, stuff you full of dressing, and cook you, do not do it. It is a trap.
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
Me: so what does your husband do?
Her: he’s a dermatologist
Me: pore guy :/
The government is dysfunctional and needs to be fixed I’ll probably fall in love with it any minute
*grabs knife, cuts forehead, lies on floor*
Wife walks in: “WHAT HAPPENED?”
“A burglar came in right when I was about to clean the house”
Just finished a show and in need of new entertainment so imma ask the hubs what one thing does he wish he could change about me
The gym is completely deserted. It’s normally packed on January 1st. Is it finally the year we all give up? Why didn’t someone tell me? I jogged here.
“Does this hurt?”
“YES!”
“What about this?”
“OW!”
*Dr. writes notes*
“Patient shows symptoms of pain when stabbed with knife. Keep updates.”
William: where have you all been
Kate: omg William there’s a winter forest in the coat closet
“asparagai” is what i call multiple asparagus, but don’t take my word for it. get your own word for multiple asparagus
Bury me next to a kangaroo skeleton and put boxing gloves on me.