*donates body to science*
Science: “I have a boyfriend”
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There are at least 5 bearded guys on here that I think I’m only following because I thought they were the same person.
[shootout]
Cop: I said fire a warning shot
Me: I already did.
Cop: you shot him in the face
Me: warning the others that I’m a very good shot
Grand Theft Auto reminds me of Florida. Except one lets you shoot people without consequence and the other is a video game.
[i get run over by a bus]
MEDIA: flattened idiot has troubled past, has written over 600 pages of sexualized shrek fan fiction
When this is all over, I’m going to miss only waving at neighbours from a distance.
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
My five-year plan? Well, I’d like to learn how to shuffle together a sandwich like you see in cartoons.
[Boss stands at my desk] Can I see you in my office?
[I stare curiously] You can see me here, right?
Me *with my dying breath*: Tell my wife I like like her
I watched DJ Khaled on SNL and I still have absolutely no idea what it is he does exactly.
its that time of the year again, don’t forget to hang your missile toads
“How is this grilling you?” – mom’s 44th question
This why you should mind your business
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I once left the house without using the bathroom first.
me to my boyfriend: hey hey you you i don’t like your girlfriend
“Release the Kraken!”
…
“Well?”
“We released him. He just took off. It’s not like he was trained or anything.”
…
“Release the tuna!”
Cat: HUMAN IS TIME 2 DO A NEGOTIATE
Me: ok
Cat: IF U LET CAT EAT JUST ONE PLASTIC CAT WILL PROTECT U FROM SPIDERS
Me: I’m sorry but you can’t eat plastic, it’s really bad for you
Cat: FINE. U AM CHOOSE WAR
Me:
Cat:
Me: where are you going
Cat: MAKE ALLIANCE WITH SPIDERS
This is probably a controversial take but I think the sanitation worker responsible for garbage collection on Sesame Street should be fired.
In marriage, there are two conversations:
The one you think you’re having and the one your husband hears.
We have haunted loft which is problem attic.
It seems like every time I consider arson, the price of gas goes up.
I knew someone who shared a birthday with her brother, and their sister’s birthday was the day before, and I always felt like that gave me way too much info about their parents
Me: Wake up
5-year-old:
Me: We’re late
5:
Me: The house is on fire
5:
Me: Your sister touched your stuff
5: *barrel rolls out of bed*
If by multitasking you mean ruining my life in more than one way at a time, then yes, I’m multitasking.
Me: I let my guard down.
Prison guard: I’m not angry, just disappointed.
Caught my son running a Google search for “adult entertainment”. I was mortified. We are strictly a Bing family.
Teach your kids how to drive a car, get a job, cook, & do laundry from day one. The quicker they learn this, the faster they can move out.
If you need me, I’m in bed snuggling with my emotional support Funyuns.
If we reverse engineered electronics from a crashed UFO, it’s only a matter of time before aliens return with patent lawyers and sue us into oblivion.
Hey good news everyone : the history test I spent all night tossing and turning about, ended up being just a dream, as I graduated from high school 12 years ago