I’m looking at old yearbooks and for the first time I’m questioning whether my classmates really meant “You’re crazy” as a compliment.
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6: How do you make a bubble with your gum?
Me: You need to push and stretch it with your tongue and then blow
Him: (opens mouth to speak)
Me: Don’t! I heard myself too.
ME: Waiter!
WAITER: What’s wrong?
ME: I ordered the alphabet soup.
WAITER: What’s the problem?
ME: How many letters are there?
WAITER: Twenty six, sir.
ME: Well, this soup only has bees.
3 month plan:
1. Get a man
2. Plan fancy dinner
3. Check in on Facebook
4. Instagram dinner
5. Make that bitch Kelly jealous of you for once
She said “you look like trouble”…so I nudged her down the stairs, because I don’t like people falling short of their expectations.
I’m having an out of money experience.
Me: “My wish is have a nice quiet retirement in a little house by the water.”
Genie:
Maybe dogs are smarter than us because they found a way to get fed and housed without having to go to college and get a job
Me: puts butter on banana bread
Also me: blames weight on aging
It’s gonna take a real idiot to write my autobiography.
I love it all
Me: how much for the seal Dracula
Zoo keeper: that’s a walrus
I am having fish and chips for lunch.
*pours Pringles and Goldfish Crackers into the same bowl*
Could sum up all Indiana Jones movies with ‘finding old stuff violently.’
[wife calling make-a-wish foundation]
he says he’s “dying from ennui” does that count
When I worked in fragrance, my friends and family would ask for samples all the time.
Now that I work in a bank… Same
(team meeting)
boss: i’ve always had a no nonsense, take no prisoners approach to…excuse me but what’s with all the looks of disdain?
me: what? oh yeah…since we dropped the mask mandate, it’s difficult to remember that my face isn’t covered.
boss:
Get a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.” Wait for people to ask what your tattoo means.
Me: Alexa, tell me about your new privacy policy.
Alexa: Your next door neighbor said you guys were hillbillies.
[alternative timeline]
Art teacher: you’re expelled from art school
Hitler: [clenches fists]
Subway manager: [taps him on shoulder] what if I told you you can still be an artist
“A picture is worth a thousand words.”
–anonymous“A thousand words is for amateurs.”
–children
[points at crying baby]
I used to be just like you, and no, it doesn’t get better.
Atheists certainly have a lot to say about the nothing they believe in.
When people dig up a grave in the movies it’s always so fast. It usually takes me days.
It was probably the machine that kept the world from turning to shit.
Every parent: do you know how to get there? You just make a left then right then through 3 lights then a left and it’s a mile ahead on the right
Me: *nods as I type the address into google maps*
The definition of Irony:
Your job sucks
Your kids suck
Your life sucks
Your wife…doesn’t
Let’s be honest, murdering someone before coffee would be pretty lackluster. I’d probably be too tired to even get the job done.
I think my wife might have been secretly taking goalkeeping lessons. I certainly wouldn’t put it past her.
Bought my daughter a cheap ‘Miss Piggy’ purse but sadly it was very pork wallety.
I went to the local apiary to buy a dozen bees. They gave me thirteen and said the last one was a free bee.