Reporter: so what is it like being in Maroon 5 when you’re not Adam Levine, um Mr. Uh-
*quickly googles for his name but google has no idea*
You Might Also Like
Me: (filling the medicine cabinet with ping pong balls)
Him: What are you doing?
Me: I invited your family over for dinner tonight.
Imagine a squirrel making a nest at your window and being able to watch them sleep and grow 🥺
OMG MOM SHUT UP IM TRYING TO SUMMON THE DARK LORD TO PLAY SCRABBLE YES I WANT A HAM OMELETTE
Teacher: You’re a grown adult, why can’t you help your child with their math homework?!
Me: Sorry, I’ll try 105% harder
Teacher: You know what, please don’t!
3: I hit you in the head with the shovel
me: um, no thank you
3: it’s ok. I’ll be gentle
I had a dream that I was fighting Jason Bourne, Will Hunting and Tom Ripley.
After months of therapy I’m finally battling my Damons.
Seize the day. Repossess the evening. Impound last week. Forcibly confiscate the entire month of September.
Cw: What are you having for lunch?
Me: Unwelcome company it seems.
All these gift wrapping videos going viral as if your kids aren’t going to rip into that shit like feral hyenas finding a half dead zebra during a drought.
I don’t get to work from home but that won’t stop me from showing up in my bathrobe.
In retrospect, Mr. Burns gave me an extremely unrealistic view of how funny a rich guy who controlled everything could be
6: I like your necklace
Me: Thank you
6: When you die me and my sisters get your jewelry, right
Me: Not if I disown you first
[getting murdered]
I hope this makes it on true crime TV.
I can’t tackle you with a fire suppression blanket unless I practice.
[ funeral ]
me: *whispering* i never know what to do w my hands
her: *also whispering* well you can definitely stop clapping
Eating at restaurant with Mom after her doc appointment when phone rings
Me: *phone rings* Hello? Okay. I’m not at my laptop so I can’t answer you but don’t worry—I’m eating an ice cream sundae about it right now.
[3 AM]
5yo: *sobbing* Daddy
Me: Ughhh..yes, sweetheart, what’s wrong?
5yo: I’m lonely…
Me: Then, don’t ever get married.
5yo: Ok, Daddy.
interviewer: what do you mean you don’t have any
me [excitedly]: ask about weaknesses
My girlfriend told me she loved me and wanted to marry me so I shot her in self defense.
When I was a kid, we jumped fences, biked without helmets & drank out of public water fountains.
It was a dangerous time, full of microbes.
Warner Bros named him Bugs Bunny because he was absolutely riddled with lice
I’m sorry that your Facebook personality quiz matched you up with a rice cake.
Woke up naked in my neighbor’s boat again. I’ve got to stop watching titanic when I’m drinking.
HUNDRED DOLLAR IDEA:
Go to an ATM.
Withdraw $100.
Electric planes are the future, as soon as someone figures out how to make extension cords long enough
Bands who can’t afford a smoke machine should hire my girlfriend to cook at their concert
“Your package is running late and no one is more surprised and upset than we are.”
—Lies Amazon tells me.
If I wasn’t meant to have a bowl of Halloween candy for dinner, I should’ve had more trick or treaters.
Her: you look great
My brain: say thank you
Anxiety: why does she hate me
Me: I have peanut butter in my hair
Every time I find a new gray hair I text my mother to tell her I’m calling it one of the many grandchildren names she passive aggressively suggested to me over the years.