[Home Depot]
Me: Trash bags?
Employee: Size?
M: Don’t know. They’re for my wife.
E: A guess?
M: How many gallons is an average size woman?
You Might Also Like
My cat: *standing on my chest to block my computer screen, pressing his nose to mine & staring deeply into my eyes*
Me: Well. Hi.
My cat: You’re very clingy.
Can’t trust CNN? Next thing ya know Nigerian royalty sending me emails will be fake.
Me in my 20’s: what’s a hangover?
Me in my 40’s: it was 1 drink, 3 weeks ago, when will this end?
*answering phone* Mom you know instead of calling me you can just text, it’s easier.
*gets text from Mom* It’s your mother. Call me.
The rebound person you start flirting with post breakup really gets annoying real fast and that’s unfortunate for them
Siri, make me pancakes.
You have a Blackberry, Linda. Go home, Linda, you’re drunk.
[High school reunion]
Classmate: I’ve been out building schools in Africa
Me: I got banned from the zoo for gluing sideburns onto a dolphin
*shows up at your work*
“Hi, it’s me. From the internet.”
If dog hair were a commodity, I’d be tweeting this from my yacht.
Nothing makes me turn on country music and sit up straight faster than a cop driving behind me.
Me: and now turning to slide 23, in conclusion I think we can all agree that this is not the outcome we were hoping for
Widow: *taking back microphone* how did you know my husband?
Aging gracefully is like getting steamrolled gracefully, you should really be screaming
A cool thing about dogs is they never get to an age where they are developmentally required to think you’re a cringe idiot. I mean, it’s not a competition – but my dog has never asked me to drop him off a block away from his school.
Her: Good morning!
Me: So we are starting off the day with a lie?
You say your baby is 13 months? I hate to break it to you, but there are only 12 months. Your baby is lying to you
Friend: Good for you for working out.
Me: I said I done squat today.
sneezy geese carry a honkerchief
BARBER: *finishes cutting my hair*
ME: perfect, thanks
BARBER: *holds mirror up to the back of my head*
VOLDEMORT: yep, that’s great
When my wife says she’s going to throw away a dessert, I turn into Gollum sooooooo fast
Me: No matter what you do in life, I’ll always be there for you.
Wife: Stop making promises to the pig.
For most people when you lose your “khakis” you’ve lost your pants.
When you’re from Boston & lose your “khakis” you can’t start your car.
Axl Rose: You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby
Tarzan: yeah but why are you here.
me: turns out a butterfly net can catch anything if it’s the right size
wife: is that danny devito
As if ” cray cray” wasn’t irritating enough, people have started shortening it to ” cray”….that’s just stu stu
“Do you expect me to talk?” He asks.
“No, Mr Bond.” I reply, loading Titanic into the Blu Ray player, “I expect you to cry.”
My husband has finally given up on the notion that he will be able to have an uninterrupted conference call when his coworkers heard me belting out “I’m Every Woman” and has moved his office to the basement.
hypnotist: next time you smoke, youll taste something disgusting
me: disgusting as in gross or as in morally wrong
hypnotist: idk whatever
[later]
me: *spitting out cigarette* insulin costs HOW much
The Dalai Lama and Gandhi aren’t the same? I thought they were basically Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana. I feel like people are messing with me.