Genie: you have three wishes
Me: I wish we never met
Genie: but then how would I grant…
Me: your problem
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I love to open my windows to let in the beautiful weather and so my neighbors can learn my kids’ middle names.
My girlfriend has started pronouncing the word “pedant” “pendant” as a kind of accusation, taunting me, daring me to say something
George Michael: I hope you like it
me: *opening gift* oh… your heart, umm… you shouldn’t have
[the very next day]
me: does anyone want this, I’m just giving it away
I tried on a pair of shorts at Target and they fit perfectly. I went to check the size and apparently I’m “husky child”
“Can you veegle your toes for me? Veegle your toes.” – Dracula, ER doctor
Okay Canada. You’ve made your point.
Will you take winter back now?
Please?
I wear a mask in public, not only because the vast majority of doctors say it’s safe and an effective way to combat COVID-19, but also to hide my second chin.
Sometimes Jesus appears on toast, sometimes pancakes, sometimes waffles. Always on breakfast food. Why? It’s the most important meal.
8 out of 24 Americans cannot reduce a fraction.
How about a game where Mario gets a job and gets his coins like the rest of us.
I love when Scandinavian people on internet forums are like “Sorry for the bad English, I still have a considerable amount to learn about your language, again I apologize for my diction which is likely quite malformed,”
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, ma’am.
Whenever I hear a helicopter I say “gotta go- there’s my ride!”
Baby Yoda ends up in the nativity scene ONE time and I’m no longer in charge
This was maybe my favorite tweet of 2021
wife hoping for a normal day: good morning
me: im gonna try to become left handed
You’re not supposed to be your pet’s friend, your job is to make sure they get into a good pet college.
the bad guy in hallmark movies is a boyfriend who is like “uh no babe i cant drop everything + leave work this weekend im about to close a deal for ten million dollars that will set us up for life” and the good guy is a guy who is just standing there when she gets to her hometown
Not saying the service in a café yesterday was slow, but on the back of the menu it said they opened in 1874, and there was a picture of me ordering my cup of tea
Proper labeling of axes is absolutely crucial.
If I’m reading their lips correctly, it looks like my neighbors are having an argument about the creepy guy next door.
her: psssssssst
me: ?
her: psssssssssssssssssssssst
me: ???
her: psssssssssssssssssssssssssssstGOD DAMN IT, MY BLOW UP DOLL HAS A PUNCTURE
6-year-old: Where did the tornado go?
Me: Don’t worry. It’s gone.
6: To where?
Me: It just disappeared
6: Isn’t that a little bit fishy?
Tried to be sly and shove the whole cookie in my mouth without him seeing me.
Then he turned around and asked me a question.
Tech support: Your hard drive is corrupt and can’t be recovered
Me: So the book I’ve been writing for 5 years has gone forever?!!!
Tech Support: how much had you written?
Me *still in shock* almost 7 sentences
Watching Moana (for the 869th time)*
Me: oh no, who’s going to help Moana?
3: *really angry” not anybody!! she can do all the things by herself
Me: Well, well, well. Look who’s come crawling back
Baby: [pretends like she doesn’t hear my extremely witty comment]
“Check it out, I bought a shoot gun”
“You mean a shotgun”
“No not yet”
The only thing that’s not possible is staying away from you…
-stalker’s
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’ll have a martini, dry
Me, staring at all the liquid ingredients: I don’t know how to tell you this