If you put on BBC news and told me it was Downton Abbey, I’d watch for like 20 min before I asked “For real, tho?”
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My friend’s wife just went live on Facebook to discuss “astrology and the election” in case you’re wondering why I avoid my friends
It took me 15 mins to explain to my 18yo son how to make Minute Rice, in case you were thinking about having kids.
me: sord
English: sword
me: why
English: because i like it lol
me: that’s not a good anser
English: oh boy ur not gonna be happy about this
Mount Rushmore would be way more American if all the presidents were eating.
lol
Not to brag, but I can unhook a bra using just a bent paper clip, some WD-40, and my reading glasses.
“I didn’t choose the thug life.” I explain, entering an institution of higher learning.
Me when I see someone that knows me in public..
*deathbed*
All that time wasted. When I could have been *looks at family*
getting down to this… sick… beat
*dies*
*widow rolls eyes*
*Batman pulls up to drive-thru*
“Large fries.”
“We’re serving breakfast sir.”
*destroys speaker with batarang*
“And I’m serving justice.”
HARRY POTTER: 🙁
DUMBLEDORE: 🙁
VOLDEMORT: : (
Not sure where your kids are? Make a phone call. They’ll be in your face in no time.
*bites nails*
Sorry. Bad habit. I haven’t been on a date in a while
“I can see why” she says, pulling her fingers out of my mouth
God is on our side because we invented him. And if he wavers we’ll invent another one.
It’s not karma, you’re just an idiot.
[airplane intercom]
good afternoon ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking why did you leave without me
I genuinely have no clue what other kids were doing during my childhood while I talked shit with the parents. my brother ran up to me one time and screamed “get your bike, we’re looking for frogs!”
are you insane? I’m trying to talk with Brent’s mom about her divorce.
If I wanted to insult a humpback whale I’d call it a ‘quasimofo’ then I would high five myself and probably drown idk I haven’t thought this through.
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 307 times you must be a suitcase on the baggage carousel that looks like mine.
I am not a tomboy. I am 32yrs old. I am a full grown thomasman.
I wish the Popemobile was outfitted more like a little aquarium for him. Put a treasure chest in there, maybe even a scuba guy.
Scientists please just tell us when the world is gonna end so I can stop working out
Son: Being an adult is easier
Me: No way, childhood is
Both: I WISH WE COULD SWITCH PLACES
*Shooting star flies overhead*
Son: Wait this sucks
Me: No take backs
waiter my bone broth tastes like a boiled bone
You never notice pilots because they’re usually in d’skies
I really just spent $40 on a costume for my dog so I can win a work pet costume contest for a $10 coffee gift card.
Do I regret it? Nope. Karen from accounting and her cat are going down
Heard my husband scream “NOOOOOO!” from across the house, ran to see if he was okay, then discovered him watching that video of the raccoon who tries to “wash” his cotton candy and then appear visibly upset when it dissolves in the water.
People say I’m hard to get hold of but my fax machine is always on.
Ooh I do like a good funnel