My local weather app tells me conditions are good for breathing but tough for running, which fortunately blends perfectly with my skillset.
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It’s difficult having a 12 year old, a 10 year old and a 7 year old. I can’t decide which to drink.
I asked my niece if she had a newspaper.
She told me newspapers are old school.
She said everyone uses tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad.
That fly never stood a chance.
To establish dominance around the dinner table have everyone watch you eat the crust off of their pot pie before serving it to them.
Clock: “You need to get up in 6 hours.”
Me: “No you’re mistaken. First I need to Google the lyrics to that song from 9th grade, and then find the episode with the scene where they played that song on BH 90210.”
Dear people up north: Your weather is down here drunk in my front yard. Please come get it.
New to Twitter cheat sheet:
AVI – profile pic
TL – timeline
DM – direct message
TC – twitter crush
WTF – everything else
Mammals for $500 Alex
“Slow moving mammals that spend most of their time sleeping & eating”
What are sloths?
“Wrong, What are coworkers”
ME [about to be murdered at work]: haha this is a no kill shelter
GRIM REAPER: well shit
Maybe there is no baby
I’m starting to suspect my wife’s been stuffing her shirt with an increasingly large series of hams
Now I’m hungry.
My brain: “safe place” or “safe spot”
My mouth: safe splot
Cleaned out my car yesterday, it only took me 15 years.
Yes, I wear this shirt a lot. It’s my shirt that I purchased and I own a washing machine. Amazing.
Why is it called a bathroom scented candle and not a john wick?
date: i like the strong silent type
me: [quietly trying to lift the table over my head]
Teacher: did you cheat on your math test?
Me: [remembering having sex with a history exam] umm no way
The first time God made the universe, he skipped leg day. All men were weeping creatures, who ended in bloody torsos and begged for death.
If you’re buying something embarrassing at the drugstore (like an enema), just ask for a gift receipt so they won’t think it’s for you.
JAMES CAMERON: i have the single greatest idea for a movie based on the biggest iceberg disaster in history—
ME: [exaggerated sigh] dude, no one is going to watch an entire movie about lettuce
A friend of mine was telling me that his wife thinks he’s too impulsive. I told him, “What does she know, you only met her yesterday.”
My girlfriend was bitten by a chicken. Now every full moon I’ll have to date a were-chicken.
If a tree falls on your ex in the woods and no one’s around to hear it, you should probably still get rid of the chainsaw.
dogs after you inspect what they have and decide to let them keep it:
My 5 year old is looking all over the house for his drumsticks but he won’t have any luck finding them without a shovel.
According to autocorrect, my favorite Star Wars character is Bob’s Feet.
Sony has a site where you can watch The Interview for $5.99 and I can’t think of a single reason not to trust them with my credit card info.
I told you to pick up a slow cooker… All I see when I look in the kitchen is a turtle wearing a chefs hat
teacher: are u a visual thinker, auditory thinker, or kinesthetic thinker
me: oh im not a thinker
My niece asked me to unlock my phone so she could watch cartoon on my phone, I didn’t answer her, next thing she took my phone out of the room and I was looking for her. Just guess where I found this babe? In front of our family portrait, trying to unlock my phone with my picture
Before Mississippi became a state, people measured time in Massachusettses.
Being an adult is cool because sometimes your back hurts and other times a different part of your back hurts