Me: My wife says I never pay attention
Her: I’m not your wife
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I’m like a fine wine…leave me out too long and I get rancid and you have to throw me out
Son #1 put our house on Yelp and left a review that said the food is good but the kitchen staff is grumpy.
*my tweet gets 1,000 likes* My wit is classic, timeless, adored by all
*my tweet gets 4 likes* My wit is clever, genius, understood by few
If my memory serves me, the last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood.
[business meeting at restaurant]
“There’s more than one way to skin a cat”
[Family of cats at next table]
*mom cat puts paw on cat dad’s arm
Mortal Kombat was inspired by parents who co-sleep with their children
People say I’m a bad person, but they’re just jealous that they can’t kick pigeons as far as I can.
“Neighbor”- person next door
“Neigh! Brrrr!!” – cold horse 🙁
If you are thinking about leaving Twitter because so many of your old friends have already left, remember I’m still here. And that’s another good reason to leave
Me: What is wrong with me?
Brain: You don’t listen, you’re lazy, zero etiquette, you’re broke with no ambition AND you have weird thoughts that you act out like a play.
Me: Sry, you lost me at “I don’t listen”.
I know I’m getting older because I need more and more help from my teen to complete the People magazine crossword puzzle.
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
Dirty cop: yeah I’m in with the scum, but I held my nose and now I’m rolling in it
Clean cop: good god Harold, go take a shower
Me: ooo that one is yummy…and that one has kind eyes…oh wow I have always been a sucker for beards…
Cop: Ma’am this is a lineup. You are supposed to pick out the guy who stole your purse – not the ones you like.
Im telling you. If you turn around for even one second, your toddler will take a swig of your wine.
Me: didn’t you wear that shirt yesterday?
Son: yes, didn’t we have chicken for dinner yesterday?
Touché kid
let’s make a deal: if we’re both single when we’re 40 we’ll meet up together in a neutral area and hunt each other for sport
People who end their sentences with Latin abbreviations usually don’t know what they’re talking about et al.
absolutely pissing myself over this police chase in LA. man running from police. going over 100mph. but still religiously using his blinker
Seagulls are like street signs. You don’t realize how big they are until you’re trying to steal one.
driving is absolutely insane. I’m gonna hop in this metal box and roll around so fast that hitting literally anything might kill me
Me: Well, time to go to bed.
[lies down, pulls sheet up, closes eyes]
Anger: Feel that rapid heart beat?
Me: I do.
Anger: You’re thinking about how Nellie Breton didn’t invite you to her pool party in 12th grade.
Me: Damn it.
I’ve never wrestled an alligator but I have retrieved something from my toddler’s mouth.
“I can try” is a great response to invitations because you’re not even committing to trying.
[my first attempt at standup]
ME: So, I was at the gym the other day…
MY STALKER (from the back): lol no you weren’t
[girl petting my dog] what’s his name?
[thinking about how women want to feel safe] seat belt
The true mark of maturity is when somebody hurts you, and you try to understand them in order to best tailor a revenge plot that suits them.
Him: If they ask you any questions, just play stupid. You know nothing….
Me: Oh, I think I can handle that.
Me: Excuse me Father, what’s the Wifi password?
Priest: We’re in Church!
Me: Oh I’m sorry. What’s the Wifi password, Amen.
I wonder if there are introvert birds who get tired of all the chatter coming from the extrovert birds.