[at my funeral]
puppeteer looks over at my wife: I’m so sorry, it was in his will
[i sit up in the casket]
You Might Also Like
When I first started dating my wife she asked me what some of my dreams were. I told her one was about a T-Rex who didn’t get a job because he couldn’t tie a tie.
She meant goals
All I want is for my kids to have a good sense of humor. They don’t have to be funny, just need to be able to recognize how hilarious I am.
At the beach I saw someone in regular clothes, no towel, no beach gear, sleeping face down in the sand. Wasn’t sure what I was looking at. “Do I call the cops? I don’t have any bars and it’s a long walk to the car. Oh good, she rolled over.”
Wanna know my secret to rock hard abs? I ride the mechanical duck outside the grocery store 300 times a day.
ibopfufen
[Me as a doctor]
ME: I can’t find anything wrong with you. I suspect the problem is heavy drinkingPATIENT: Ok I’ll come back when you’ve sobered up
Walked outside to say hello to the owl and the neighbor thought I was saying hi to him.
If you think a woman is speaking to you, look around and make sure she isn’t talking into a tree. She is probably actually speaking to an owl.
Disease doesn’t care if you are a celebrity, Micheal J. Fox has battled Parkinson for 22 years, and Jamie Lee Curtis is super irregular!
*Checks typos in the mail before sending*
*Checks again, to be sure*
*Clicks on Send*
*Goes to sent mails*
There’s a typo in the Subject
[restaurant]
ME: this chicken fried steak is terrible
WAITER: that’s probably because it was fried by a chicken
When you don’t understand how floors work
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
Found my door mat
Every day I try to learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice.
Doctor: I’m sorry but you’re not healthy enough for sex
Me: Hey man I have not been your patient for 3 years can you please stop calling me
I can be back in bed in about 16 hours.
~me, every time my alarm goes off
Just as the siren’s song lures sailors to their doom on the rocks, the ding of the microwave calls the unwitting to destroy the roof of their mouth on the molten cheese of the Hot Pocket.
I believe there are people on this planet who were born to get in everyone’s way at the grocery store.
I don’t want kids for the simple reason that math has changed and I won’t be able to help with their homework
u know that video of lions hugging that man after seeing him for the first time in several years. that’s what the raccoons do whenever i visit the dumpster behind my college dorm
I don’t know what Dorothy’s problem was, tornadoes are great means of transportation
“I’m liking where this is going” I said, pointing to a potato chip making its way toward my face.
science teacher: scorpions have 10 to 12 eyes
kid (taking notes) s-c-o-r-p-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-I-o-n which is it? 10 or 12?
Aw man, but that’s the best part
Romance is weird. My wife said she wanted fantasy play but got angry when I handed her the wizard beard & 20 sided dice
[punches shark on the nose[
shark: that wont stop me
me: are u crying
shark: no its always wet & salty on my face
There are 2 kinds of twitter.
To apply for a job at Hooters do they hand you a bra and say, “Here, just fill this out.” ?
Just took a DNA test and it turns out I’m 100% being arrested for shoplifting
this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don’t know who’s winning