First time at a chinese supermarket. Staff: “What u want?” Me: “What’s dead?”
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[wife walks in on me showering]
“Why are you wearing swim trunks?”
No reason.
[she glares at me]
SO MY TEMPORARY TATTOOS DON’T COME OFF OKAY
The price of groceries has gotten me thinking about what acorns taste like.
Me: (from the back of the ambulance) CHANGE THE RADIO
Medic: Sir you need to conserve your strength
Me: I AM NOT DYING TO A COLDPLAY SONG
Seth Rogen and James Franco having their movie pulled due to terrorist threats sounds like the plot of a Seth Rogen and James Franco movie.
Hey kids, please don’t wash the 13 glasses you’ve already left in the sink. Just grab a clean one next time you’re thirsty.
[a pig opens the door for me]
Thank you, ha’am.
My son got this balloon on Valentine’s Day. He accidentally let go & it floated to the ceiling. Days later it was still up there. I said, “be patient, it will come down” but he didn’t believe me. “If it comes down I get an iPad!” he said. I agreed. Then I glued it to the ceiling.
Stop blaming lazy people!
They didn’t do anything
Mr. Peanut’s funeral will be open-casket in a sense. His coffin is ajar.
[emerges from time machine back in present day]
I did it. I got Hitler rejected from art school, saving German art from years of mediocrity
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Never mind
Parents love telling you that you should date that person you haven’t seen or thought about for 10 years
The face palm is the only houseplant you can’t kill
Will I ever be a good parent?
*shakes baby*
Wait a minute, if you’re here
[cut to Magic 8-Ball in crib]
legally you can do anything in a library as long as you’re quiet
i think i understand why rhinos are going extinct
A friend of ours directed a horror movie that’s doing very well, but when he tried to get certain actors to be in it, they refused.
Now he’s sending them emails with the box office receipts and streaming numbers, with the message “Remember when you wouldn’t be in my movie?” 🎃
*first date*
Him: So, I’m a youth minister.
Me: Oh, cool. *googling cast of the bible* I really like…Lucifer.
The Internet is like my My Brain – filled with shopping and porn
“Please. My wife. She’s very sick.”
Hand embroidery on cotton. Custom order lol.
I’m not totally useless, I can be used as a bad example.
thought i was going straight into retirement after high school with all that beanie baby money.
[mothers day]
Norman Bates: I got you flowers, Mother.
Norman Bates dressed as her: Oh I love them.
Lately I go to the restroom at the movies, but forget where I’m seated then return & just begin a new life in a new seat with a new family.
A case of yoo-hoos, canned spaghetti and xanax. I’m like a 6 year old with anxiety and a driver’s license.
gotta say, i love living by the sword. i hope there are no consequences from this regarding how i ultimately die
Tiger Woods: cool name, scary place
i wonder if the inventor of rotisserie chicken is turning in his grave
Oh sweet embrace of morning, envelope me in your welcoming arms & brightly shine on this glorious GODDAMMIT! WHO DIDN’T FLUSH THE TOILET?!
morpheus: you can take the red pill, or the blue one
me: *slapping them onto the ground* winners don’t do drugs