Doctor: Are you getting enough exercise?
Me: Define “you”
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I used to worry about offending people’s moms on facebook but now they all post memes like “I chug vodka to keep from drowning my children”
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for breakfast.
*decides to open Twitter
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for dinner.
I’m scared. I just got poked on Facebook.
HER: can I take a quick peek at your privates?
SERGEANT: *looks into barracks* ok but most of them are asleep
I’d get up off the couch today but Newton’s first law of motion says bodies at rest remain at rest and who am I to argue with physics
If I tell you I will do anything for you, don’t get too excited, because I will also do anything for a slice of pizza.
Poker is a game of pretending you’ve got something better than you really do. Poker sounds a lot like my marriage.
Accurate description of my life right now. My fitness instructor asked me,what type of squat are you accustom to doing?
I said ‘diddly’
POLICE! OPEN UP, WE KNOW YOU’RE IN THERE. WELL, WE DON’T KNOW BUT WE’RE KINDA HOPING YOU ARE COS IT WAS A LONG DRIVE & JIM NEEDS TO PEE.
My uber is here. Should I get in? He has 5 stars…
If you can pronounce Worcestershire I’ll assume you can do all sorts of fun things with your tongue.
BILBO: *Blows smoke ring*
GANDALF: *Blows smoke ship that goes through smoke ring*
BILBO: It’s okay to just let some things be about other people.
My dog just ate a butterfly and probably saved Tokyo from a tidal wave. I don’t understand science.
i watch horror movies on the toilet so i can be scared shitless
Yes I was hurt that your cat ignored me, even though I’m allergic. I’m the same way with party invitations.
they said marry your best friend but then got all weird when I proposed to my dog pick a lane
The hardest part of potty training my puppy is shitting outside with him so he can learn how to
We took family pictures with an actual photographer today. No one argued, no one yelled, no one whined, no one cried. Years from now we can look at these photos and say, “this is how we never were.”
he’s doing your taxes
*texts son “dont say me” as wife heads to his bedroom*
wife to son: why did you put next years date on your science paper about time travel?
i hate “oomf” because i do not read it as “one of my followers” i read it as mario taking damage in mario 64
Try and stop me.
Thin eyeliner today.
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*covers entire face.
I was in a park and a lady loudly called out “Anyone who wants an ice cream come over here”. I headed over with several others. She handed out ices to them all then asked me “Who are you?”. I realised the rest were all her family. 30 years later I still cringe.
Substitute teaching 1st graders was not at all the Dead Poets Society experience I was hoping it would be.
Festive toon…
My daughter, filling out a college app, called me at home to get my home number. Big shout out to the ex-wife for pissing in my gene pool.
I have two goals today. Breathe (nailing it) and shower (wish me luck).
“Please stop chasing your sisters with tarter sauce,” is something the parenting books didn’t warn me about.