I wear my fitness tracker to bed. If I’m making 2 trips a night to the bathroom, I’m damn well getting credit for them.
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Not everything is a competition and I bet I’m better at accepting that then you are!
In my 20’s: I want to find true love.
In my 40’s: I just want a toaster that gets me.
Date: any pets?
Me: a pet rock
D: lol at least u don’t have to housetrain it
Me: *flashback to piles of pebbles all over my house* haha yeah
Just show up everyday and be consistent.
Toddlers make it easy to do that especially when they come to your room and just show up in your face, silently, at 3 am staring at you.
I knew my wife was having a bad day when she put her tampon behind her ear and couldn’t find her cigarette.
Donald Trump only wears a toupee to hide Lord Voldemort.
Star Wars movies now feel like when your dad caught you smoking and said “Oh you like cigarettes? Well now you’re gonna smoke a whole pack.”
Who called it sex ed and not getting an edufornication?
HILARIOUS DAD: who has two thumbs and can hitchhike going either north or south? This guy!
UNAMUSED MOM: renew the AAA I said. You never know when you’ll need it I said. But noOOooo
just ate soup so fast my Fitbit thought i was running
Ordering coffee with a coworker whos a vegan, she looks at me, & goes, ‘I don’t believe in sugar.’ I’m like ‘Bitch, it exists’
What if your girlfriend had a British accent but not the good one, the Jack the Ripper one
I’m the guy that slams on his horn in traffic and fake looks behind me to see who’s doing it.
I woke up and put my glasses on and then started looking for my glasses so I’m guessing it’s Monday.
[After winning an award]
Host: Is there anyone you would like to thank?Me *smiles at my wife and kids in the crowd as I lean into the mic* no
Why is it that in horror movies, no matter how many times I shout at the screen, the characters never seem to listen? I’m trying to save you idiots!
MY ANCESTOR: [running full speed through a field to avoid a lion]
ME: [in an air conditioned gym realizing i forgot my earbuds] no way i can run like this
Someone asked where I’m from and I said Wisconsin. She got excited, “Like That ’70s Show!” and I clarified, “More like Making a Murderer.”
If money can’t buy you happiness then you’re in the wrong mall.
Doctor: I have good news and bad news
Me: What’s the good news?
Doctor: The good news is you’re alive. The bad news is you’re going to have to diet and exercise to stay that way
Netflix subtitles be like “[speaks Japanese]” well okay baby but what they saying???
Take it from me
Yellow crayons are no substitute for cheese
People say you can’t avoid death but I’ve been doing it all my life.
Me: Why don’t I have a boyfriend?
God: I sent you one, you dumped him for putting ketchup on his steak.
Me: Ah. That’s right. Gross.
I don’t mean to brag but HR told me no one had ever eaten everyone’s lunch before as a reason to fit their own food in the fridge.
a lot of guys and girls have to leave from office early today because they all have doctor’s appointments, be safe people
Your 20s: stop eating bread for 1 day, lose 5 pounds
Your 40s: stop eating for 1 day, gain 5 pounds
Me: I’m exhausted
Fitbit: You have taken 11 steps today
*brushes teeth for seventeen hours straight before dentist appointment*
“Jessica, there is an entire Oreo behind your second molar.”
I think my favorite sammich is ice cream