An hourglass timer, but it’s just my 7yo slowly pouring sand from his shoe when we’re running late.
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Hey girl are you a capri sun? Because i want to stab you.
The repair guy is showing me broken parts from my dryer, and he might as well be showing my dog a wine list
My husband has finally given up on the notion that he will be able to have an uninterrupted conference call when his coworkers heard me belting out “I’m Every Woman” and has moved his office to the basement.
Damn girl clean ur room before u paint a selfie
Husband is leaning dangerously out of window whilst he cleans it. Only thing stopping me from shoving him out is that he cleans the windows
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
I can still remember the words my father said to me on my wedding night “let’s hope this ones not a whore like the last one!”
okay but exactly how dangerous are these ducks?
Potatoes make french fries, chips, and vodka. It’s like the other vegetables aren’t even trying.
[holding my brain upside down, shaking out its pockets] gimme your serotonin nerd
Wife : The neighbours are banging on our front door again.
Me : Why can’t they do it in a bed, like normal people?
poet: knick knack.. paddy whack..
me: this guy is awful
my dog: i know right
poet: ..give the dog a bone
my dog: actually lets hear him out
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
Show her you’re into her by running your toes through her hair
Someone asked me how much I normally spend on a bottle of wine.
Answering “usually an hour” wasn’t the right answer. I know this now.
How was I supposed to know unleashing 342 cats in a club would turn to bone-chilling horror the instant the disco balls started up?
Me: *smug* I think you’ll find there’s a big difference between hearing, and listening
Her: that is literally what I just said
Animals who have bright colors and patterns in the wild are considered dangerous and shouldn’t be messed with.
*Updates work wardrobe to bright, loud colors and patterns*
If you feel yourself getting bored because you’ve spent too much of your day in bed, just roll to the other side. It’s like a fresh start
I’ve not been into the office since March, but I can still smell the boiled eggs my coworker ate at lunch on that last day.
Clay shooting is like real life Duck Hunt, right up until you swing your controller around towards the crowd and they’re all like “PUT THE GODDAMN GUN DOWN, Alison!”
If the earth were flat, cats would have pushed everything over the edge already
It’s okay, everyone. I know my 3yo’s screams sound like his leg was run over by a lawn mower, but he’s just got some fuzz stuck to his thumb
Wow, according to the New York Times, just kidding, I have no idea what’s going on.
When I was in 6th grade, I asked a girl out with a note and she wrote back “Maybe :)” so idk man I might have plans tonight.
Meet the ghost of a boy who drowned in a pond by his boarding school, and the Latin instructor who drowned him.
“I came in to pick up a book I’d placed on hold and it’s not here anymore!”
“Sorry about that — when did we notify you that the book was here?”
“I don’t know, a few months ago. How long are you supposed to hold things, anyway?”
“Well, definitely less than ‘permanently forever.’”
A letter to Paul from the Corinthians: Hey sup Paul. This is the Corinthians. This is my new number
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
2032. Predictive Text has been perfected. You idly check in on your lunch break to see what you & your best friend have been chatting about.