NASA faked the cow jumping over the moon.
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I’d get into a lesbian relationship just to mooch my girlfriend’s hair care products.
I talk dirtier in traffic than I do during sex.
Has anyone tried throwing 2020 in some rice?
me: hi i’ve come to pick up my suit
tailor: ok what name is it
me: i dunno maybe trevor the tux or something
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Attack while they’re distracted.
A telemarketer just called my cell phone.
I pretended to be a phone sex operator.
HE didn’t hang up.
…things got awkward.
How about the people in fast food commercials look like they actually eat fast food?
HOW COME YOU NEVER HEAR THUNDER AROUND LIGHTNING BUGS?
A teacher is always just one loud fart away from losing control of a classroom.
“You look really pretty today,” I said as I looked in the mirror, and my reflection replied, “And you…um, you have a GREAT personality.”
Her: so you’re a teacher? What do you teach?
Me *nervous*: children
HER: I love Deadpool
ME: I love Dead Pool
HER: Oh, cool, you read comics too?
ME: *staring out at pond where I toss victims’ bodies* Hmm?
Women’s voices naturally get higher as they get excited so if you’re in bed and she still sounds like Morgan Freeman, try harder.
1: Acquire scuba gear. 2: Strap duck decoy to head. 3: Dive in local pond. 4: Enjoy unlimited free bread crumbs.
Is it still ‘breakfast’ if you have had midnight snacks in four equal intervals before you woke up formally?
We had 7 chocolates and 3 kids, so I ate 4 cause I am a problem solver.
Yes, this is exactly right
You ever drive around with an old person who knows where everything didn’t used to be?
“My safe word was Worcestershire.”
— A ghost
Since they won’t vote anyway, Obama should make the GOP look bad by nominating a bald eagle holding a picture of Jesus to the Supreme Court.
The Internet makes things so convenient. Before it existed, if you wanted to order a DVD online, you had to invent the Internet.
At what point should you worry about your drinking?
I bet it’s before your kid builds a Lego brewery.
I appreciate your confidence in me, but it appears your “foolproof” chicken recipe is merely “fool resistant.”
Let’s play a game.
What item did my almost 3yo bring into our bed.
A: A teddy bear
B: A blanket
C: A @$!&*’n toilet brush
Stop saying ‘happy anniversary to my partner in crime.’
You do not commit crimes. You shop at Costco
H. P. Lovecraft implies the existence of H. P. Livecraft and H. P. Laughcraft
Nobody:
Kindergartener learning consonant sounds: F-f-fish starts with F and f-f-frog starts with F too, and my mom says a word that starts with F but it sounds kind of like duck. *pause* I don’t know if I’m supposed to say THAT here.
At my funeral, throw my urn into the crowd and whoever catches it dies next.
The scariest room in a haunted house would be filled with people you haven’t seen since high school asking what you’ve been up to these days
Him: *stares at my face
Him: *points to his lips
Me: *OMG He loves me & wants to kiss!
Him: “you have mayo on your face”Me: *dies alone