My 5yo was kind enough let me know that breakfast was gross but she liked the texture
You Might Also Like
What idiot called them “cannibals” and not “humanitarians”?
“Susan cancel my 2 o’clock”
Both hands stuck in Pringles cans again? Here let me help
“no no no I need to learn to do this on my own”
If you can’t beat them
Just try sunny side up
People complain about crying babies on airplanes, but in my experience a crying pilot is worse.
You’re in a work meeting and your boss asks, “Any questions?”
The answer is always, NO.
You look like the type of person who thinks oral is gross, but eats McDonald’s.
Everything I know about classical music I learned from Bugs Bunny cartoons.
Grandma said she thinks her new neighbors have got the gay.
Boys who wear sports jerseys are just cosplaying athletes but no one is ready to have that conversation yet.
I miss that time in my life when people asked easy questions, like “What’s your favorite color?” or “Where is your belly button?”.
[christ descends from heaven]
I HAVE RETURNED
[sees america]
OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
How to be a politician 101:
Answer all yes/no questions with the words “Well, look” and then answer a completely different question.
I ain’t cray-cray, I’m inappro-pro.
Listen buddy, I never said they were for sale. I just put the “FRESH EGGS” sign in my yard to brag
I want to start dating again so I have someone else to blame for any problems.
[Walks in on girlfriend on death bed]
ME: [Crying] this can’t be happening
GRIM REAPER: Dude, I can explain. She totally came on to me
Dogs are like chicken nuggets; every time I see one, I want it.
Not saying I found that jet, but is there a reward?
Dear Santa,
I’m only asking for 1 thing this year; get rid of words like adorbs and obvi before we all start using them. That would be totes amazing.
Oh, SONOFA-
WIFE: He never pays any attention to me. All he cares about is that dog.
THERAPIST: is this true?
ME: [sewing swim trunks for the dog] is what true?
*fills the ice tray once*
I’M THE ONLY ONE WHO DOES ANYTHING IN THIS PLACE
“This is a terrible wine tasting event. ” – me at church.
If you’ve never seen your woman truly pissed at you, it’s obvious you’ve never used her sewing scissors to cut paper.
It’s funny to me when a movie character takes a drink of hard liquor “to clear my head” or “so I can think straight,” like that isn’t the exact opposite of how alcohol works.
Getting out of bed in the morning always gave me a headache until I tried it feet first.
Oh, you work out? Have you tried opening a pomegranate?
professor: you, explain the philosophy of predeterminism
me: I guess I don’t have a choice
professor: great job
me: what
Don’t mess with grandma when her bodyguard is near.
I’ve seen enough movies to know that when you wake up in a hospital bed, you rip all the cords off because you’ve got work to do.