Two blondes walk into a building… you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.
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Why drive 6 minutes for food when I can order doordash for $93
The question I ask myself most often is, “What would a jury think about this?”
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would pick alive almost every time that way they can split the check
Tomorrow implies the existence of Frommorrow. And also Tomorcolumn. And Tomandrow! Man, these daiquiris are strong…
TIP: Always carry a motorcycle helmet with u. Then u never have to do your hair & u can blame it on safety & the law & stuff.
#lifehacks
Sorry, michael00008765348921652. I’ve already found my partner and definitely don’t want to get to know you better.
*giving my sister parenting advice*
Me: So, you lift them like this.
Sister: Okay.
M: Then, scream into it. Now you try.
S: [picks up pillow]
‘What’s in the box? What’s in the box? WHATS IN THE BOX!?’ I shout. ‘Ha ha, just kidding my name is Drew and I’m your new gynaecologist’
Aoccdrnig to Ylae rseaerch, it deosn’t mtater waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are in, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is how mcuh mnoey you hvae
Nothing scarier than unlocking your phone in front of coworkers and not remembering what the last thing on your screen was.
The most rebellious thing about me is that I refuse to cover my super white legs no matter how many people I blind with them
Any TV can be a TV dinner if you eat TVs
“Marisa Tomei” is an anagram for “It’s-a me, Mario”
Me: How was school?
6-year-old: Why do you always ask that?
Me: …because I want to know.
6: That’s not a very good reason.
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
Me recordaron éste meme
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: *pulls laminated card out & hands it to him*
Card: “My over-preparedness.”
How come those cross species adoption videos are always cats or dogs raising baby birds? Just once I’d like to see a hawk enthusiastically barfing into a kittens mouth.
we all have skills – but like, ones you can’t talk about right? like I am really good at wringing out a cloth the perfect amount so it doesn’t drip but it’s still juicy
When I was younger I also blamed Jewish people for all my problems and thought they were part of a conspiracy to control and ruin my life. Turns out they were just being good parents.
*passenger next to me starts putting on headphones*
Are you mad at me?
I know you’re not supposed to question doctors, but it’s weird how my dentist keeps insisting on checking my prostate.
Every marriage has one person who is good at putting laundry away and one person who puts my black tights in a kitchen drawer with the dish towels.
Dads on here: my kid is such an amazing person. I love them. Moms on here: let me tell you what this little shit stain did today.
I’m gonna have my body cremated so I can have one last meltdown.
[mocking jay part 2]
jay: come on guys please stop
i’m crying live action simba really did not gaf
my kids: dad will you make us some grilled cheese?
me: how did you even find me? there’s like 12 bars in this town
This woman’s “I’m deleting my Facebook” post has 52 comments and she’s replied to all of them. Not a strong start.
Men and women can be ‘just friends’ if one of them is a ghost.