I don’t mean to brag but I stopped eating an incredible meal because I was full and didn’t need anymore.
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If the United States ever collapses, the upside is that we can finally use the blue starry part of American flags to make wizard hats.
“What’s it like having a two year old boy?”
*throws a toy car at his face*
Like that.
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
I don’t know who the pun editor of the NY Post is, but the headline PEACHES’ DEATH IS STILL FUZZY deserves a citation and/or beating.
I worry about people who write “taken” in their bios.
Where did they go?
Who took them?
Why aren’t we helping to find them?
I heard you like bad girls. Well I’m bad. At everything. Winks at you with both eyes.
My 6 year old doesn’t like it when I take her out on her scooter, but to be honest she shouldn’t stand in my way when I ride it
“My, what big ears you have!”
All the better to hear you, my dear!
“And what big arms you have!”
All the… actually this is getting hurtful
Waiter: and for you?
Me: *after rehearsing in my head for 15 minutes* the chimney changas
Stop screaming. Lots of people rub their eyes with toes.
[On WebMD]
I have a sore throat
[Throat cancer]
I wasn’t done, and a stomach ache.
[Cancer]
Couldn’t it be the flu?
[If it wasn’t cancer]
When I’m worried about something, I find that going on a walk is a great way to get outside, breathe, and think of new things to worry about
me *dead*: at least I don’t have to pay student loans
*Gets e-mail* We see your living status has changed. Click to update your loan info.
[Bat symbol lights up Gotham’s sky]
“Gordon needs me, the city needs me.”
[Robin waving flashlight around]
“Oh wow look they need me too.”
absolutely not
Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
*puts hand over phone*
-what was it again?
Daughter: Boogeritis.
*to phone*
It’s Boogeritis.
Silent Night is my favorite song about my kids staying at their grandparent’s house.
I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll get light headed then have to lay down.
Me: oh the usual- just shedding some skin cells and still fascinated with champagne bubbles and tree bark.
Friend: why can’t you ever just say “fine thanks”?
When you go to the zoo, one person in your party is required to wear a safari hat. It doesn’t have to be you, but if you’re lucky, it will be.
I like listening to Phil Collins in the shower. He gets creeped out when he sees me, though.
Me: Is…is this a toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Why did you hand me a toenail?
Kid: Because I want to take it home
Me: Is it YOUR toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Throw it out, please
Kid: No, it’s a part of me
Me: Do you save all your toenails?
Kid: No…should I?!
Me: DEAR GOD, NO!
Hey neighbor…
Hope you…
Don’t mind…
Me borrowing…
Your…
Trampoline…
How many calories does an ice cream headache burn?
“You told me to chill out, not to stop punching the chair.”
– My 6yo reminding his Dad why it’s important to be specific with kids.
If you’re stupid and you know it close your mouth.
i don’t see why i have to clean the shower. imo it is the shower’s job to clean me
[mouse wedding]
PHOTOGRAPHER: Oh my God [closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose] Stop. Turning. Round. THERE ISN’T ANY ACTUAL CHEESE
it’s been 12 years since Shrek came out, I still can’t get over the fact that Donkey had sex with a dragon..
Rompers are cute and all until you have to pee in a public bathroom. There’s no cute way to execute that. You’re now in an episode of naked and afraid.