Morpheus: Take the blue pill, story ends
Neo:
Morpheus: Red pill, stay in wonderland
Neo:
Morpheus: Green pill, you learn to juggle
Neo: What-
Morpheus: This purple one is a skittle
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There are 363 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up.
Unbelievable.
[Staring at bedroom ceiling]
Her:Don’t worry. It happens to every guy
Me:Not to me it doesn’t!
*resumes trying to unscrew lid from pasta jar
Me – You almost ready?
Wife – Just a few more minutes. What time do we have to be there?
Me – Yesterday at 7.
Kitchen Rule No 1.
Don’t walk away from boiling milk unless you’re willing to start over and scrub that stove for a 100 years.
Might start docking extra points from students who aren’t smart enough to cheat on their distance learning vocab tests.
Tried to impress her by making martinis but got my hand stuck in the olive jar
I wanted something old and soft to wax my car, so I used Grandma.
Friend: Call me when you wake up
[3 days later]
Me: Okay I’m up!
[Bowling Alley]
“I’m sorry sir, but we don’t have any bowling shoes left”
*gestures towards a happy family of centipedes bowling*
I don’t give my children “chores”. I give them “missions” and that change in the name has made my whole life easier.
Holiday tip: remember, you only have a few days left to drop out of people’s lives to avoid buying gifts. You’re welcome.
When an old lady dies and then her husband dies a couple of weeks later, it isn’t because his heart is broken. It’s because he can’t cook.
*exits the van with a bag of candy and a new puppy*
I expected that to go differently
I hate it when I see an old person and then realize we went to high school together
Her: You like shopping?
Me: Oh god yes!
Her: What’s your favorite place?
Me: The grocery store. There is a whole aisle of just cheese!
I’m having an orange at work, and the dogs keep looking at me like, “stop eating that ball, dude.”
Them: Why are you single?
Me: *flashes back to the time I went out with a really tall guy and couldn’t stop laughing because I could see up his nose* It’s a mystery, really.
Life coach: don’t sweat the small stuff
Me: you mean like microscopic germs
Life coach: no you should probably worry about those
Me: choking hazards
Life coach: that’s not-
Me: killer bees
Life coach: *drinks from hip flask*
I’m way too old for this shit.
*What I say every day as if I’m suddenly gonna start getting younger.
me: Pop the champagne
you: Yay! What are we celebrating?
me: what
[First Date]
I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
*shoves a whole brisket in my maw like a bear going into hibernation*
hey it’s me, the girl who just googled “chemistry alphabet” when i meant “periodic table”
-Your house is amazing. Why are u renting this cheap?
-It’s haunted by a low level demon
Demon: Wow I’m right here that is like so hurtful
Chicago releases 1,000 feral cats to end reputation as rat capital of America
The Wi-Fi is out so I guess I’ll have to go harvest DVDs from the field the way my grandmother used to do.
If God is a woman then how do you explain:
1) Spiders
2) Shoes you can’t afford
3) Periods
4) Men
I was just casually stalking an ex-girlfriend on IG & accidentally liked a picture. please respect my privacy in this difficult time.
[Spain, 1578]
“I’m not a witch!”
But all the cats?
“My pets!”
The broom?
“For cleaning!”
The cauldron of boiling children?
“Ok I’m a witch.”
Standing closer to me in line will not get you to the checkout faster.
Jesus: my child, when there was only one set of footprints, Fred Flintstone was driving.