just wait til i figure out what algorithm means
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[Speed Date]
Me: Hi. Could you show me on this Venn Diagram where alcohol & donuts overlap in your daily life?
Him: I..
Me: Too slow. NEXT!
“Pres. Trump, how do you plan to respond to this attack on our soil?”
TRUMP: OK first, I’ve seen several people call me Tronald Dump online
“Some people say I’m an animal in the sack.” – baby kangaroo
*kidnapping Beyoncé* got your Knowles
Her: 😉 Is that a potato in your pocke…
Me: *pulls a steaming hot fully loaded potato from my pocket*
I want to buy my girlfriend a present within 250$ on valentines day any suggestions?
I also need a girlfriend to give her the present and 250$.
I thought that raisin on the floor was a bug and then I thought that’s gross, someone brought raisins in my house.
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve woken up in the planetarium, naked except for a clown wig, hungover, next to a dead cat and the shocked stares of a third grade field trip, I’d have…
*counts*
…twelve dollars.
(Don’t you judge me.)
Kids forever killing vibes 💀
Just completed a task that I’d been putting off for months. It took ages and was massively inconvenient, I was right to delay it as much as possible. I will learn much from this.
Anybody here really good at Wheel of Fortune? I need help figuring out a drunk dm.
*gets toy out of packaging, earns engineering degree
Surprise your partner in bed by dying in your sleep
Me: so what’s your skincare routine like? your skin is practically glowing
Edward Cullen: it’s actually just this new diet i’ve been on
2 halloweens ago I was brutally owned by a small child when I answered my door in normal clothes and she said “nice lumberjack costume.”
I’m a lady of science at least that’s what my horoscope said
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Lego man: Is it because I’m block?
If you’re testing me, we failed.
Silence is golden! Unless you have a toddler, then silence is very, very suspicious.
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, desserts are the second most important.
Please keep my heartbroken toddler in your thoughts because I vacuumed up some crumbs from the floor that he was apparently very attached to.
I was a teenager when “Go to your room” was a punishment and not the same as saying “Go to your arcade/shopping mall/video chat room/infinite music and video library/recording booth/photo studio.”
NAZI: I’m a Nazi
MEDIA: How controversial
NAZI: I said I was a Nazi
MEDIA: Your clothes are beautifully tailored
Awwww finally got my nose pierced this morning.
Never fight over a bus seat with an old lady who’s knitting.
Dishwasher broke, so now I’m washing them all by hand like some sort of motherless Disney Princess.
[VIDEO] John Oliver Agrees With You For 22 Minutes
honestly there’s like 4 types of people. babies, 14 yr olds, people who are exactly ur age, and people who are 500 years old
Cop: license and registration please.
Me: (gives cop both)
Cop: you drinking tonight?
Me: no.
Cop: you handed me 2 empty beer cans.
Here’s my impression of an astronomer discovering that an asteroid is coming to destroy earth: “This will make me famous but not for long”
Seriously, calm down. I backed into you by accident.
Him: You hit me three times!