Directions: avoid contact with eyes
“It’s Ok, Shampoo, I feel shy sometimes too.”
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One of my shoes has developed a squeak and now any walking I do has a slightly downcast Charlie Brown quality to it
[watching the Lord of the Rings]
Me: who do you think is more powerful Gandalf or Sauron?
Wife: Sauron’s Wife.
Me: but he’s not married lol.
Wife: then why does he spend 3 movies frantically searching for his lost ring?
Me:
Wife: he’s definitely scared to tell his wife.
My three favorite things are eating my wife and not using punctuation
You’d think I’d lose weight just from carrying around this extra 40 pounds wherever I go.
I like to shit with the door open, because it keeps other people from getting onto the elevator with me.
Our neighbors have little kids, so they hosted a “New Year in London” party
They dressed up, played croquet on the front lawn, watched a livestream from London, and were done by 6:30pm central 😂
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me between 2 and 50 times and you’re my 5yo getting out of bed at night.
*talking to a cool girl at a house party while pretending my right foot is not currently stuck in the dog’s water bowl*
Just unlocked a memory of when I was in college and I was in Cabo with a guy I was seeing & he made me FaceTime my surgeon brother about the fact that his feet were swollen & my brother talked him through it then texted me after “do NOT give me a useless brother in law”
My mate called me an idiot for always getting my idioms wrong but it takes one to know someone.
Celebrity dumping an ice bucket on himself to raise money? Cute. Humanity dumping an ice cap on itself to raise sea levels? HILARIOUS.
Spice up your work day by drinking your coffee from a flask
I have a head cold but I’m telling everyone it’s covid so they’ll social distance away from me.
Whoever said imitation is the sincerest form of flattery hasn’t had a 7yo mimicking their every word for the last 10 minutes.
Her: Have you seen the salsa?
Me: Yes. I must have left it in the bathroom
Her:
Bruh PLEASE
Beast: I’ll be like this until someone loves me for who I am
Ugly girl: I’ll love you for who you are
Beast: not you, someone attractive. So I really learn my lesson
Why’s everyone wearing green today. did the Hulk die or something
Them: Can you describe yourself in five words?
Me: Stay at home couch accessory.
2Pac won’t answer me on the ouija board which leads me to believe he’s alive and i’m high.
There are at least 5 bearded guys on here that I think I’m only following because I thought they were the same person.
I’ve been a single mom for over a year and have not experienced my meet cute for my future husband in the grocery store…wtf
So glad our house has 3 bathrooms so all of my kids can argue while brushing their teeth in mine.
What did one ocean say to the other?
Nothing, it just waved.
Sea what I did there?
I’m shore you did.
Laugh, you son of a beach!
*Toddler grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, son.
*Husband grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, hon.
Son: I’m tired.
Dad: Hi Tired, I’m Dad.S:
D:S: You annoy me.
D: You annoy me.S: Oh, you’re copying me now?
D: Oh, you’re copying me now?S: Who is the parent here?
D: Who is the parent here?S: MOM! Come get your husband.
If only ISIS had kidnapped Liam Neeson’s daughter, none of this would be an issue.
Someone rang my doorbell today and I’ve never Stopped, Dropped, and Rolled under my couch faster.
When I told someone at work I didn’t have plans for Halloween because I’m not 5 y/o, she seemed stunned. I guess I really do look young.
[date]
HER: *staring into my eyes* Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *daydreaming about dogs on trampolines* Just you, girl.