Happy 3rd birthday to the yogurt in my refrigerator
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Daniel L. you can do this but you will need many more owls
How do you cut ancient Rome in half?
With a pair of Caesars
If you love her, shout it from the rooftops. Tell everyone around you. Tell the internet. Tell the cashier at cvs. Tell a hobo. Tell her husband. Whatever.
Learn cursive, they said. You’ll need it your whole life, they said.
SHUT UP. BEES CAN’T SPELL.
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
I wish I had the same faith in myself as people who leave me voicemails do
I shouted at my kid so he told me I wasn’t his best friend anymore and, honestly, I was gobsmacked I had even been in the running.
me: can i get some ketchup?
waiter: sir, this is a 3 michelin star restaurant
me: my apologies. may i please have some crème de tomato a la heinz
In a parallel universe, there’s a grandma hiding in a wolf’s den, dressed up as a wolf waiting for its cub to return so she can eat it
Mirror mirror on the wall, please make me look like a mix between emaciated and “I’d hit that.”
Me: can we stop by my house so I can grab my pillow & my phone charger? It’s like 10 minutes from here
Arresting officer: no
You’re pretty cocky for someone with such a small…
….vocabulary.
me: [taking the last bite of a big meal] now I’m ready for a long nap
executioner: coming right up
How come in movies, all vampires hang out at techno/electro clubs? You never see a vampire country bar. I want to see vampire line dancing.
eats a dozen doughnuts…
*checks for flabs*
When you encounter others on a trail, offer a friendly “hello” or a nod. This helps create a friendly atmosphere. If you approach a trail user from behind, announce yourself in a friendly, calm tone. Yelling “that chipmunk stole my car keys, run for your lives” is not helpful.
What no one in the congregation expected was a reverse rapture that left everyone naked watching their clothes float away.
Most people don’t know this, but a canine that practices medicine is called a Dogter.
why is it called “free time” when i use it to spend all my money
I have never ONCE dropped a roll of toilet paper without it dramatically unrolling half of itself
Based on how he reacts, you’d think my dog’s entire family was killed by pizza delivery guys.
@MissNaughty1801 @funTweeters I love my boys eldest is getmeabeer youngest is whatthefuck
My daughter asked me why my grandfather was a racist, and if she has to become one too
I said it was because his parents didn’t raise him properly, and he was ignorant and full of hate
As she walked away crying I realized she was asking me how he became a race car driver
I think my daughter is starting to take a dim view of Santa because she’s asking things like “can the elves leave if they want” and “does he help make toys or does he just sit there”
[therapy]
HIM: Should we talk about the elephant in the room?
ME: I don’t like to talk about him
ELEPHANT: Ok wow I’m like right here man
*air horn sound*
*second air horn sound*
Me: “This isn’t deodorant.”
“I was so high one time, I stopped at a stop sign for 20 minutes waiting for it to turn green.”
I asked my son to look through the playroom for things to donate to goodwill, and he was so generous about it, within minutes, he came back with a whole bag filled with his sister’s toys.
6 yo student: It’s hot. Why didn’t you wear shorts today?
Me: Teachers can’t wear shorts to work.
6: Is it because you’d show all your mosquito bites?