Humans: Okay, so
Dog Negotiator: Yes
Humans: Uh
Dog Negotiator: Absolutely. We’ll do it
Humans: I haven’t even
Dog Negotiator: I love you
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Never thought I’d be the type of person who competes for attention. Then I got a cat.
A guy gets hit on the head by a falling soda can. But he’s allright.
Guess he was lucky
*puts on sunglasses*
It was a soft drink
#FFFC
I’m pretty confident I can perform this Appendectomy on myself.
Thanks YouTube
Never throw sunglasses in an argument. If they land perfectly on your opponent’s face there is no known comeback.
“I wanna know who is responsible for this!”
-Me to my parents, while pointing at myself.
Them: Awwww, congrats! Are you about 6 months along?
Me: Nah, just ate a burrito supreme.
Them: I THINK IT’S TWINS!!!
When a guy wearing cargo pants hits on me I’m tempted to go out with him just to see how many of my belongings I can fit into his pockets.
me w/kids:
Don’t tell anybody where you learned that.
About 2/3 of Earth’s surface is water. Same for the human body. So really, we’re all incontinent
Her: I’m not cleaning the sheets this time
I’m starting to think the guy that gave me directions to the train station was just talking to someone on his Bluetooth.
Thoughts and prayers for my starving teens suffering from fridge and pantry blindness
ZOMBIE 1: why do we eat brains?
ZOMBIE 2: because. It’s food for thought! haha
ZOMBIE 1: [sigh]
PSA: Calories don’t count today because February 29 doesn’t really exist.
Boy, Peter Parker is lucky he was bitten by a spider and not one of those fainting goats.
I bet deaf people scare the shit out of bank tellers when they hand them a note.
I could totally identify with REM if the song had been called “Losing my Shit” instead
It has come to my attention that at this time last year I may have dared 2018 to “come at me,” and it did.
Dear 2019: I don’t want to cause any trouble. Please put down that broken bottle so we can get along.
My birthday is tomorrow. I accept gift cards, cash, cheesecake, or a beach house. You pick.
What kind of bait does a librarian use when he goes fishing?
A bookworm!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayThoughts #ThursdayVibes
Imagine your card declining at a bar and they squeeze all the alcohol out of you like a lemon
it’s funny they call them “unidentified flying objects”. I could identify them right away. those are ufos
I’m sorry I punched you in the face when you said “I love you”. Intimacy scares me. And you said it to my sister.
“Amen and dig in” is a perfectly acceptable way to end a prayer at the potluck because honestly nobody is even listening when there’s food involved.
i feel like if you can prove you got below a C in high school chemistry you should be able to bring big liquids in your airplane carry on
Might make a living will because I don’t want my family deciding whether to pull the plug. My dad has a long history of being against wasting electricity.
birds: it’s so peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
Slipknot sacked their drummer a few months ago, and suddenly Kate Middleton is nowhere to be seen?
Surely not a coincidence, she must be locked in rehearsals frantically learning their tour set list and getting a horror mask fitted.
In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth. And God said, let there be light: and there was light. And God said let there be sunshine and moonlight and good times.
And then God blamed it on the boogie.
If this paper cut is any indication of my pain threshold, then child birth would definitely kill me.
Remember when double entry was an accounting term?